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Writing Samples
Band 5.5

Some people believed that children of all ages should have extra responsibilities. Others believe that outside of school, children should be free to enjoy their lives. Discuss both views and give your own opinion.

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There is an ongoing debate about whether it is necessary for
children
Use synonyms
 to have more
responsibilities
Use synonyms
 or they should have
freedom
Add an article
the freedom
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 to do their
favor
Change the spelling
favour
show examples
.
While
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 allowing the young generation to be free is valid to some extent, I would side with the idea that they should have extra liabilities in their lives. It is obvious to note that at a young age, people can feel free and do whatever they want. The key argument is that
in
Change preposition
at
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 their age, they still have a myriad of things that they have not experienced because they still just follow a routine which their parents give them like going to school, returning
to
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apply
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home, doing homework and
then
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 going to sleep. That makes them feel mind-numbing and may mitigate their innovation which is considered as the most miraculous thing of
children
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. To be specific, if
children
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 can do what they enjoy
such
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 as hanging out with friends or engaging in outdoor activities, their childhood may be more memorable.
Hence
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, it is not essential to be too strict with
children
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.
While
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 the necessity of permitting
children
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 to experience their lives is widely acknowledged, I think having
responsibilities
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 at an early age is
also
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 significant. Added to
this
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 is the fact that it can help
children
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 form the mentality in their mindset. It can be from some basic things like doing housework or helping people so that in the future, they can do
those
Correct determiner usage
that
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 work by themselves without urging. Particularly, if
this
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 habit stays unchanged for a long period of time,
children
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 will do it as some daily things in their lives, which can turn them into mature people. So,
children
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 should have their own
responsibilities
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. In my conclusion,
although
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let
Wrong verb form
letting
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children
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 be free and
do
Wrong verb form
doing
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 their
favor
Change the spelling
favour
show examples
 may be good for them, it is still pivotal for us to make them
have
Verb problem
take
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Use synonyms
responsibilities
Fix the agreement mistake
responsibility
show examples
 for themselves.

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task achievement
Try to use more specific examples to support your ideas. This will make your arguments more concrete and convincing.
language usage
Work on expanding your vocabulary to avoid repetition and enhance precision in your language.
content
The introduction is clear and sets up the debate well.
coherence cohesion
You have a well-organized essay with a clear logical structure. Each paragraph flows naturally from one to the next.
task achievement
You provide balanced arguments for both viewpoints which adds depth to your discussion.
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