IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 5

It is important for children to learn the difference between right and wrong at an early age. Punishments' is necessary to help them learn this distinction. To what extent do you agree or disagree with this opinion? what sort of punishment should parents and teachers be allowed to use to teach good behavior to children?

#children #difference #right #age #punishments #distinction #sort #punishment #parents #teachers #behavior
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One of the primary essential
thing
Change to a plural noun
things
show examples
 that can be done to
kids
Use synonyms
 is teaching them to understand the
distincts
Correct your spelling
distinctions
distinct
 between what is good and what is bad. I strongly agree that
,
Remove the comma
apply
show examples
 various forms of punishments
such
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 as banning the usage of items they like playing with most and rewarding
for
Correct pronoun usage
them for
show examples
 a good deed are major things that can be done in order to rectify
childern's
Correct your spelling
children's
 bad behaviours by either the educators or the guardians though guiding and counselling might
also
Linking Words
 assist some
kids
Use synonyms
.
To begin
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 with, since we are in the 21st century, we have
advancement
Fix the agreement mistake
advancements
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of
Change preposition
in
show examples
 technology and most
children
Use synonyms
 are glued to computers or laptops playing online games. Parents can make use of that chance to change
behaviour
Add an article
the behaviour
show examples
 of the
kids
Use synonyms
 who are not behaving as per expectations of the set rules and regulations.
For instance
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, a study recently done in the USA by students at Florida University showed that restricting
children
Use synonyms
 from playing games had a great impact towards behaviour transformation.
That is
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, the bad habits were converted to good deeds by
children
Use synonyms
 of 5-14 years of age.
Additionally
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, awarding for every good action done by the
kids
Use synonyms
 will motivate them to stay positive and follow what is right because they will not only be interested
with
Change preposition
in
show examples
 the performance, but
also
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 the gifts that they will obtain
at the end
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. To explain
this
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, young
kids
Use synonyms
 have a
tendancy
Correct your spelling
tendency
of liking
Change preposition
to like
show examples
 gifts very much,
therefore
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, the strategy will be beneficial in shaping their behaviours.
However
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, some
kids
Use synonyms
 who are doing the wrong things might not benefit from the punishments
therefore
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 counselling will be of help to them because the more they get punished the more resistant they become. In conclusion, my opinion is that
,
Remove the comma
apply
show examples
 banning games and
rewarding
Replace the word
rewards
show examples
 are crucial in shaping
children
Use synonyms
's behaviour
although
Linking Words
,
couselling
Correct your spelling
counselling
 might help in a way.
Submitted by janenjeru6 on

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task achievement
Ensure there is consistent use of subjects and pronouns. For example, 'kids' and 'children' should be used interchangeably with consistency. Also, 'guiding and counselling might also assist some kids' could be better phrased as 'guidance and counseling might also assist some children.'
task achievement
Try to avoid repetitive words and use synonyms to add variety to your writing. Words like 'behaviour' are repeated often; alternatives like 'conduct' or 'actions' can be used instead.
coherence cohesion
Ensure that every paragraph has a clear main point and sticks to it. The paragraph on parents restricting games and the one on rewarding good behavior could benefit from clearer topic sentences and more focused development of each point.
introduction conclusion present
The introduction clearly outlines your position on the topic, which is a good start.
relevant specific examples
The essay provides relevant examples, such as the Florida University study, which helps to support your argument effectively.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

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