in many countries, people are now living longer than ever before. some people say an ageing population creates problemds for governments. other people think there are benefits if society has more elderly people. to what extend do the advantages of having an ageing population outweigh the disadvantages.
As
the
technology is Correct article usage
apply
developed
fast, Wrong verb form
developing
human's
life expectancy is going higher and the proportion of elderly Change noun form
human
people
is getting larger than the
past. In Change preposition
in the
this
trend, some people
argue that increasing
Correct article usage
the increasing
of
ageing population Change preposition
apply
makes
problems for governments. Verb problem
creates
Otherwise
, some people
say that governments will get more advantages with this
. In this
debate, I agree with
there are more disadvantages Change preposition
that
of
Change preposition
to
rising
ageing population.
Add an article
the rising
a rising
First,
as the focus of the
society moves to the Correct article usage
apply
old
generation, the effort that governments can put into the 20s-30s generations will get lower and it leads to losing the power of the nation and restricting development. The main subjects who are going to lead a future society are current young adult Fix the agreement mistake
older
classes
. The government has to support them by helping them to get a job easily, to have a proper house and to get a high-quality education. However
, the portion of elderly classes
get
higher Correct subject-verb agreement
gets
then
public systems for young people
will not considered very well and it will occur
serious Verb problem
cause
probelm
in the future.
Correct your spelling
problem
problems
Second,
there is no big profit that the public government can earn from old people
. There might be some case
Fix the agreement mistake
cases
that
Change preposition
in
over
60s generations can be greeted Correct pronoun usage
which over
from
the company Change preposition
by
hoped
their long life experiences will Wrong verb form
hoping
be helped
to run the company. Wrong verb form
help
However
, usually
they cannot have an important role in the workplace because of their age and physical or mental ability. Add a comma
usually,
For example
, the portion of elderly classes
in Korea was
large since 2015. Wrong verb form
has been
And looking
Correct word choice
Looking
for
the statistics GDP figure of Korea, Change preposition
at
it did
not Verb problem
has
increase
since 2015. Wrong verb form
increased
This
showed
there is no benefit in Wrong verb form
shows
Add an article
the economical
economical
area when Replace the word
economic
ageing
population gets bigger.
In conclusion, I think a big proportion of Add an article
the ageing
an ageing
old
generations has disadvantages, which leads Fix the agreement mistake
the older
weak
development in Change preposition
to weak
Add an article
the economy
economy
field and less support for youth Replace the word
economic
classes
. For decades, many sociologists made an announcement we need to prepare an effective solution to solve this
problem and I also
agree with this
opinion.Submitted by starmino0113 on
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introduction conclusion present
Your introduction is clear and sets up the argument well. However, be careful with minor language errors such as 'As the technology is developed fast'. It would be better to say 'As technology develops rapidly'.
supported main points
Your main points are generally clear and logically structured, but they could be better supported with more specific examples and reliable data. Try to dig deeper to provide a stronger foundation for your arguments.
logical structure
Be cautious with your language choice and sentence structure. For example, 'Otherwise, some people say that governments will get more advantages with this' could be rephrased to 'On the other hand, some believe that this trend offers more advantages to the government'.
complete response
While you do address both sides of the argument, you could make your stance clearer and ensure that both advantages and disadvantages are covered more comprehensively.
logical structure
Try to vary your sentence structures and make use of linking words to improve the coherence and flow of your essay. Phrases like 'On the contrary', 'Moreover', 'In addition' can help in making arguments more cohesive.
introduction conclusion present
Your introduction and conclusion are both present and provide a good framework for your argument.
complete response
The essay does cover the main aspects of the task, presenting arguments and counterarguments effectively.
Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Examples make your writing easier to understand by illustrating points more effectively.
Examples, if used properly, not only help you get higher marks for ‘Task Response’ but also for ‘Coherence’.
When giving examples it is best to put them after your main idea or topic sentence. They can be used in the middle of supporting sentences or they can be used to start a new sentence. There is no rule for where exactly to give examples in essays, logically they would come after your main idea/topic sentence or just after a supporting sentence.
Linking words for giving examples:
- for example
- for instance
- to illustrate this
- to give a clear example
- such as
- namely
- to illustrate
- take, for example