IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 5

The percentage of overweight children in western society has increased by almost 20% in thr last ten years. Didcuss the causes and effects of this distributing trend.

#percentage #children #society #thr #ten #years #didcuss #effects #trend
✨ Do you want to improve your IELTS writing?
It is
indend
Correct your spelling
indeed
 true that these days people are suffering more from different types of diseases as compared to earlier. It is stated that
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
obesity among youth has surged
approximately
Change preposition
by approximately
show examples
 20% since
last
Linking Words
 decade in
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
western countries. I will discuss the reasons and impacts of
this
Linking Words
 negative trend in the subsequent paragraphs. To commence with, the first and foremost cause for the occurrence of
this
Linking Words
 disease could be eating more junk
food
Use synonyms
 than having a healthy diet. Almost all kids are addicted to fast
food
Use synonyms
.
This
Linking Words
 kind of
food
Use synonyms
 contains no or negligible amount of minerals.
However
Linking Words
, it
is consists
Change the verb form
consists
show examples
 of plenty of preservatives which adversely
affects
Correct subject-verb agreement
affect
show examples
 the
body
Use synonyms
 of young adults.
This
Linking Words
 leads to
having
Unnecessary verb
apply
show examples
heath-related
Correct your spelling
health-related
show examples
 problems like obesity and many more.
Moreover
Linking Words
, fast
food
Use synonyms
 is easily accessible in every corner of the world.
Due to
Linking Words
this
Linking Words
 reason, approximately all children can go and eat their favourite
food
Use synonyms
 in their locality.
Furthermore
Linking Words
, Fast
food
Use synonyms
 companies like
McDonald
Change noun form
McDonald's
show examples
attracts
Correct subject-verb agreement
attract
show examples
 kids
by
Change preposition
with
show examples
 their amazing offers
such
Linking Words
 as
happy
Capitalize word
Happy
show examples
meal
Fix the agreement mistake
Meals
show examples
,
that
Correct pronoun usage
which
show examples
also
Linking Words
 have a toy bin in it.
Consequently
Linking Words
, that results in
the
Correct article usage
a
show examples
 rise
of
Change preposition
in
show examples
Correct article usage
the sale
show examples
sale
Fix the agreement mistake
sales
show examples
 of
their
Correct pronoun usage
apply
show examples
fast
food
Use synonyms
. Probing ahead, after having a light on the roots
for
Change preposition
of
show examples
the problems that might give rise to the
body
Use synonyms
 related issues like overweighting among youngsters. The primary effect of
this
Linking Words
 might
be get
Change the verb form
be getting
show examples
 sick often
due to
Linking Words
 weak immunity.
This
Linking Words
 is because an unfit physique can get infected more easily than a fit one.
Other effect
Change the wording
Another effect
Other effects
show examples
 could be that youngsters
that
Correct pronoun usage
who
show examples
 are suffering from overweighting can
becone
Correct your spelling
become
 victims of
body
Use synonyms
 shaming in
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
schools and colleges.
This
Linking Words
 may
put
Verb problem
have
show examples
 a negative impact on their mental well-being as well.
Instead
Linking Words
 of enjoying their life, overweight young adults can struggle to maintain a healthy and fit
body
Use synonyms
 by
practicing
Change the spelling
practising
show examples
 some diets. In conclusion,
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
fast
food
Use synonyms
 and having
an
Change the article
a
show examples
 not-so -hard approach to it, is the main root cause
in
Change preposition
of
show examples
 the increased number of these types of ailments.
As a consequence
Linking Words
 of these types of illnesses, a child may suffer from mental sickness
also
Linking Words
.
Submitted by simrankaurkaur450 on

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Writing9 with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

grammar
Work on sentence structure and grammar to avoid minor errors, such as 'indend' instead of 'indeed' and 'overweighting' instead of 'being overweight'.
cohesion
Use connectors and cohesive devices more effectively to improve the flow between paragraphs and ideas. For example, phrases like 'In addition', 'Moreover', and 'Furthermore' can help to link points together more smoothly.
task response
Include more specific examples and data to support your points. This can help demonstrate a deeper understanding of the topic and make your arguments more compelling.
structure
The introduction and conclusion are both present and effectively frame the essay, providing a clear start and end point for your discussion.
task response
The essay addresses the causes and effects of the problem, attempting to cover all aspects of the task.

Answer the 'Problem and Solution' topic

Problem-and-solution essays fall naturally into two parts, the first describing and exploring the problem, the second setting out the solution or solutions.

You essay structure should look something like this:

  • Introduction
  • Body paragraph 1 – Problems
  • Body paragraph 2 – Solutions
  • Conclusion

Examples to start your body paragraph:

  • One of the first problems of the...
  • Another problem that needs to be considered...
  • A possible solution to this problem would be...
  • One immediate practical solution is to...

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »— a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

What to do next:
Look at other essays: