IELTS Writing Correction Service /
Writing Samples /
Band 7.5

Nowadays getting a job is becoming harder in poor countries leading to a rise in unemployment. Some people believe that pupils should only be allowed to access primary education while others believe that secondary education is necessary. To what extent do you agree or disagree?

#job #countries #rise #unemployment #people #pupils #access #education
The unemployment level is on the rise, particularly in countries where the majority are living on less than $ 1 a day. Restricting access to only primary
education
 might seem advantageous in these countries as it will encourage the locals to focus on learning a trade; where jobs are more abundant.
On the other hand
, I believe giving pupils access to a higher level of
education
 gives them a competitive advantage to find more lucrative jobs in their home town and it
also
 opens opportunities for them internationally. It is important to note that the pay grade at many institutions is dependent on the level of
education
 the employee has.
Therefore
, encouraging citizens of poor countries to partake in secondary
education
 will enable them to live above the poverty line, and get a higher income. As seen in many developed nations, an accountant with a CPA will often earn more than an accountant with a High School certificate. In
this
 case,
it is clear that
 secondary
education
 helps to increase one's wealth.
Additionally
, making the effort to acquire more knowledge in a subject at school opens many doors abroad. Take
for instance
 the express entry visa service in Canada that allocates points based on your learning achievements. More points are awarded when a person has a Master's degree
instead
 of a lower grade certificate.
Therefore
 increasing your chances of going to Canada where the unemployment rate is far lower than in one’s home country. In conclusion, students should not be restricted to primary learning but encouraged to proceed with secondary learning because jobs obtained with a good
education
 provide better pay.
Additionally
, opportunities out of the country will
also
 become available.
Submitted by jackielynn0611 on

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Coherence and Cohesion
To further improve the essay, you could expand the discussion of opposing views to demonstrate a well-rounded perspective. Currently, you have a brief mention of why restricting access to primary education might seem advantageous, but this point can be elaborated upon to provide a more balanced argument.
Task Achievement
Be careful with minor grammatical errors. For example, 'take for instance' should read 'take, for instance,' and 'Therefore increasing' should be 'therefore increasing.' These minor corrections can help in achieving the highest score.
Task Achievement
Adding a few more specific examples or statistics could make your argument even stronger. For instance, citing specific data on unemployment rates or pay scales could add more weight to your points.
Coherence and Cohesion
The essay is well-organized with clear paragraphs and a strong introduction and conclusion.
Task Achievement
You have addressed the task effectively by discussing both the potential advantages of limiting education to the primary level and the benefits of secondary education
Task Achievement
Relevant examples, such as the comparison between accountants and the Canadian express entry visa system, enhance the clarity and persuasiveness of your arguments.

Support ideas with relevant, specific examples

Examples make your writing easier to understand by illustrating points more effectively.

Examples, if used properly, not only help you get higher marks for ‘Task Response’ but also for ‘Coherence’.

When giving examples it is best to put them after your main idea or topic sentence. They can be used in the middle of supporting sentences or they can be used to start a new sentence. There is no rule for where exactly to give examples in essays, logically they would come after your main idea/topic sentence or just after a supporting sentence.

Linking words for giving examples:

  • for example
  • for instance
  • to illustrate this
  • to give a clear example
  • such as
  • namely
  • to illustrate
  • take, for example

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Topic Vocabulary:
  • literacy and numeracy skills
  • competitive job market
  • advanced knowledge and skills
  • versatile workforce
  • higher education
  • specialized training
  • economic development
  • skilled workforce
  • foreign investors
  • social outcomes
  • reduced crime rates
  • quality of life
  • informed decisions
  • financial constraints
  • diluting resources
  • government role
  • accessible and equitable education
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