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Writing Samples
Band 6.5

The line graph shows the cost for watching films. The pie charts show the shift in the percentage or market share among the three types

The line graph shows the cost for watching films. The pie charts show the shift in the percentage or market share among the three types
#line #cost #films #show #shift #percentage #market #three
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The provided graph illustrates the price for watching films,
while
Linking Words
 the pie chart represents the percentage of market share among the three types: going to the cinema,
legal
Change the word
legally
show examples
 downloading and renting a DVD.
Overall
Linking Words
,
while
Linking Words
 the costs of all services escalated over the period of six years, the market shifted from renting
DVD
Fix the agreement mistake
DVDs
show examples
 to watching films online, demonstrating changes in consumer preferences towards digital consumption. So, in 2005, the most popular way of watching movies was renting
a DVDs
Correct the article-noun agreement
DVDs
a DVD
show examples
, the percentage of which stood for 59%, and the costs
on
Change preposition
of
show examples
 those were always stable- from 6 to 8 dollars.
However
Linking Words
, in 2011, the situation changed dramatically and the number of
DVDs
Fix the agreement mistake
DVD
show examples
 consumers dropped enormously to just a quarter of all share. As for the
others
Correct quantifier usage
other
show examples
 ways of watching movies it could be said, that in 2005 legal downloading was the least popular and accounted for only 5%, despite prices not being very high,
some time
Replace the word
sometimes
show examples
 even lower than
on
Change preposition
apply
show examples
renting DVDs.
Though
Correct word choice
However
show examples
, in 2011, the number of people who were downloading films legally increased greatly to slightly more than half of all consumers. And, the
last
Linking Words
one
Correct pronoun usage
apply
show examples
way of watching movies was going to the cinema. In 2005 the percentage stood
for
Change preposition
at
show examples
 36%,
although
Linking Words
 six years later it became twice less than it was, which is not surprising, considering prices for it – from 8 to 14 dollars for one ticket which is not exactly profitable.
Submitted by zerdeteacher2024 on

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Linking words: Don't use the same linking words: "while".
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Vocabulary: Rephrase the word "percentage" in your introduction.
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Vocabulary: The word "changes" was used 2 times.
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Vocabulary: The word "number of" was used 2 times.
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Vocabulary: The word "percentage" was used 3 times.
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Vocabulary: The word "stood" was used 2 times.
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