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Writing Samples
Band 5

The charts below show the percentage of time working adults spent on different activities in a particular country in 1958 and 2008.

The charts below show the percentage of time working adults spent on different activities in a particular country in 1958 and 2008.
#show #percentage #time #adults #activities #country
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The two pie graphs detail statistics about the timetable of employed adults in an unnamed nation from 1958 to 2008.
Overall
Linking Words
, most activities recorded a higher rate of
time
Use synonyms
 allocation except for bedtime and spending
time
Use synonyms
 with loved ones which both saw a downswing.
Moreover
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, people in
this
Linking Words
 country
spent
Wrong verb form
spend
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 more
time
Use synonyms
 at work than any other pursuits. Performing their work duties, having a sleep and going out with friends and relatives contributed to the majority of
time
Use synonyms
 spent by employees in
this
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 country. In 1958, they allocated a minimally higher proportion of
time
Use synonyms
 at the workplace than sleeping, at 33% and 32%, respectively.
While
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 the former increased by 9%, a 7% reduction was seen in the percentage of the latter in 2008. Meanwhile, accompanying friends and family members for entertainment dropped from 19% to 6% during the recorded period. Concerning other activities, downtime at home accounted for 8% at the beginning before increasing to 13% by the end.
Similarly
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,
time
Use synonyms
 allotted for other hobbies and sports activities
also
Linking Words
 rose, but more slowly, from 6% to 8%.
In contrast
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, starting in 1958 at the lowest result of 2%, the figure for commuting increased fourfold to 8% fifty years later, which surpassed going out.
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Introduction: The introduction is missing.
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Introduction: Change the first sentence in the introduction.
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Introduction: The chart intro is missing.
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Basic structure: Use less body paragraphs.
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Basic structure: Change the sixth paragraph.
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Introduction: The chart intro is missing.
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Vocabulary: Replace the words time with synonyms.
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Vocabulary: The word "increased" was used 2 times.
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Vocabulary: Use several vocabularies to present the data in the second paragraph.
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Vocabulary: Use several vocabularies to present the data in the sixth paragraph.
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