IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 3.5

These days, we are seeing an increasing amount of violence on television, and this is having a negative impact on children’s behavior. Do you agree or disagree?

#amount #violence #television #impact #children’s #behavior
✨ Do you want to improve your IELTS writing?
Recently the
evidences
Change the wording
evidence
pieces of evidence
shreds of evidence
show examples
 of crime and abuse have been increased,
hence
Correct your spelling
these
those
theose
Correct your spelling
these
 have a negative impact on
children
's behaviour, in
this
essay
Add a comma
essay,
show examples
 I shall discuss my point of view
according
Add the preposition
according to
show examples
this
 subject,
also
 I shall give my opinion
Firstly
, I will speak in general about the
children
Change noun form
children's
show examples
 attitude, because
of
Change preposition
apply
show examples
they
are look
Change the verb form
look
show examples
 like a sponge,
while
absorb
Change the verb form
absorbing
show examples
 the actions
from
Change preposition
of
show examples
 the other ,
also
 they have
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
curiosity in love the reputation;
therefore
, the role module should be a good person,
this
 is the reason why the parents should take care of their
children
 and
avoide
Correct your spelling
avoid
 them from seeing the violence on the t.v.
On the other hand
,
this
 action will
be affected
Wrong verb form
affect
show examples
on
Change preposition
apply
show examples
the mentality of the growing kid ,
moreover
Add a comma
moreover,
show examples
 It may
get
Verb problem
cause
show examples
 them
a
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
trauma ,
although
 if the scenario
was
Wrong verb form
is
show examples
 very old ,
children
are having
Wrong verb form
have
show examples
 a good and strong memory;
therefore
 they are able to reback the scenario very easily;
therefore
, I wholeheartedly agree with the phrase (
this
 violence on social media has a negative impact on the behaviour of the growing kids)
To sum up
 ,
children
 are a green branch , which is easy to bend and
getting
Wrong verb form
get
show examples
 a new formation, by the effect of the environment, they could
be acquired
Wrong verb form
acquire
show examples
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
positive and negative behaviours, that
why
Add a missing verb
is why
show examples
 , parents should have a good responsibility for
rasing
Correct your spelling
raising
show examples
 a child.
becouse
Correct your spelling
because
 of the child environment will affect
also
 on child personality.
Submitted by sarah.baghdad20 on

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Writing9 with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

task response
Ensure that you fully address all parts of the task. For instance, while you’ve shared your opinion and discussed your point of view, you could delve deeper into providing more concrete examples and elaborating your arguments further.
coherence cohesion
Work on organizing your essay structure more clearly. Each paragraph should have a clear main idea, and transitions between ideas should be smooth. Use linking phrases more often to improve the flow. For example, phrases like ‘In addition to this’, ‘Furthermore’, or ‘On the contrary’ can help to link your ideas better.
coherence cohesion
To improve coherence and cohesion, make sure that all your paragraphs support the main argument clearly and concisely. The argument should be logical and each point should be clearly explained and connected to the main topic.
task response
Use relevant and specific examples to support your points. This makes the argument more compelling and demonstrates your ability to apply ideas to real-life scenarios or hypothetical examples.
task response
Pay attention to some language inaccuracies that can affect clarity. These include misspellings (‘evidences’ instead of ‘evidence’, ‘module’ instead of ‘model’), grammar issues (like subject-verb agreement), and inappropriate word choices.
introduction conclusion present
You’ve successfully started with an introduction that provides a clear stance on the issue.
logical structure
The essay does cover multiple aspects of the problem of violence on television affecting children, which shows a good range of thought.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »— a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

What to do next:
Look at other essays: