Bullying is a big problem in many schools. What do you think are the causes of this? What solutions can you suggest?
It is widely acknowledged that bullying is a serious issue
founded
in numerous schools, others argue that society should not Change the form of the verb
found
neglected
Change the verb form
neglect
be neglected
about
the factors Change preposition
apply
contributed
to Wrong verb form
contributing
this
worrying trend and should take action
to resolve this
immediately. Both point
of Change to a plural noun
points
views
about Fix the agreement mistake
view
causes
and solutions of bullying in schools will be Correct article usage
the causes
further
discussed in this
essay.
To begin
with, it may seems
sensible for some to believe that nurture is the main contribution of the bullies. Change the verb form
seem
This
is possibly
because families play an important role in terms of being a role model and teaching their Replace the adverb
possible
children
. If they exposed
to Add a missing verb
are exposed
such
negative behaviours extensively like violences
or abuse, Change the wording
violence
acts of violence
outbreaks of violence
this
could lead to a
cultivation of Correct article usage
the
an
undesirable behaviour Remove the article
apply
of
the Change preposition
in
children
as they are immature and may not fully understand of
what they Change preposition
apply
done
to others. Take violence in families, Add the auxiliary verb
did
have done
For example
; some children
with an exposure to violent
from Replace the word
violence
the
families might make them think it is not wrong to do Change the word
their
this
with other peoples
. Fix the agreement mistake
people
Moreover
, some children
might do this
on their own but lack
of appropriate teaching from the parents can make Correct article usage
a lack
children
to
maintain Change the verb form
apply
this
action
.
However
, I personally argue in favour of how this
concerning issue can be resolved seeing its potential solution to tackle this
, by implementing strict rules and regulations of bullying manage ment
Correct your spelling
management
as well as
to condemm
the act of bullying. To simply explain, if the main lead is inhibited especially depower the bully can help to inhibit them Correct your spelling
condemn
of
doing that. Change preposition
from
For instance
, take a
serious Correct article usage
apply
action
in making penalty
on the bully as serious as legal Correct article usage
the penalty
action
. Teaching students since
Change preposition
from
young
as to let them learn that Correct article usage
a young
bully
is not okay in any situation.
In summary, Fix the agreement mistake
bullying
although
it is undeniable that bullying is serious
problem in school and many found Add an article
a serious
challenging
, I am of the opinion that it is manageable in order to create peace.Correct pronoun usage
it challenging
Submitted by kamonluck1999 on
Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Writing9 with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.
coherence
The essay contains a clear introduction and conclusion, which helps in structuring the essay. Good work on that! To further improve, ensure that every main point in the body paragraphs flows logically and is backed up with clear examples, as some ideas felt a bit underdeveloped and lacked strong support.
general grammar
There are a few grammatical errors and awkward phrasings throughout the essay. For instance, phrases like 'others argue that society should not neglected about' should be 'others argue that society should not neglect.' Reviewing grammar rules and practicing more can aid in reducing such errors.
task response
Your task response is fairly strong as it addresses both causes and solutions. However, to score higher, ensure your examples are specific and your solutions are detailed. For instance, you could suggest specific programs or workshops schools could implement to combat bullying.
structure
The inclusion of an introduction and conclusion helps encapsulate your essay and provides a good flow of ideas.
task response
You have addressed the question effectively by discussing both causes and solutions of bullying.
content
You made some good points about the influence of family on children's behavior, which shows a good understanding of the topic.
Your opinion
Don’t put your opinion unless you are asked to give it.
If the question asks what you think, you MUST give your opinion to get a good score.
Don’t leave your opinion until the conclusion.
Here are examples of instructions that require you to give your opinion:
...do you agree or disagree?...do you think...?...your opinion...?
Essentional vocabulary list for IELTS Writing 7+
Learn how to write high-scoring essays with powerful words.Download Free PDF and start improving you writing skills today!