Some people think that the most important thing about being rich is it gives a person the opportunity to help other people. Do you agree or disagree?
In recent times, some argue that being an affluent person may establish the opportunity to tackle the problem of unemployment. From my perspective, I firmly agree that rich
people
are a significant essential to contribute to people
’s opportunities
.
First and foremost, a majority of companies around the world are offering jobs for people
who are needed. Those companies are owned by the richest person. Jack Ma, for instance
, is the second richest person in the world. He has provided opportunities
for fresh graduate students to unlock their potential abilities in his company. Plus, they can earn income to support themselves and their families. When those are financially independent, they can enhance their living standards and also
engage in the development of society.
On the other hand
, not only have job opportunities
been provided by the
wealthy Correct article usage
apply
people
,
they Add the word(s)
, but
also
contribute to charities in order to support poor children to have a better education
, including scholarships for education
purposes and constructing schools for rural area students. While
they are educated, they have a significant positive impact on society and country
. Because only educated Correct article usage
the country
people
have the power to advocate for social issues and are involved in the country's development, such
as economic growth, and raising the education
of the next generation.
In conclusion, there are several valuable benefits that are provided by rich people
, such
as career advancement, and education
to the younger generation. I completely agree that wealthy people
can unlock a wide range of opportunities
to serve other people
.Submitted by Date
on
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task achievement
Your essay presents a clear stance on the topic, asserting that wealthy individuals contribute significantly to society. However, to strengthen your argument, you should aim to provide a more balanced view, recognizing counterarguments and addressing potential disagreements.
task achievement
Your ideas are clear and relevant, but refining the language and removing minor grammatical errors would enhance the clarity even further. Phrases such as 'majority of companies' should be 'the majority of companies,' and 'When those are financially independent' should be revised for better readability.
coherence and cohesion
Your essay is logically structured and flows well from one idea to the next. However, to improve coherence, work on smoother transitions between paragraphs. Adding phrases like 'Moreover' or 'In addition to' could help link your points more effectively.
coherence and cohesion
While your main ideas are supported with relevant examples, expanding on those examples and providing additional supporting information would make your arguments even more compelling. For example, you could elaborate further on how educated individuals contribute to economic growth.
introduction and conclusion present
Your introduction provides a clear thesis statement, setting the stage for the subsequent points. This is well done and crucial for guiding the reader through your argument.
relevant specific examples
You effectively use specific examples, such as mentioning Jack Ma, to illustrate your points. This adds credibility and concreteness to your essay.
introduction and conclusion present
Your conclusion succinctly summarizes your main points and reiterates your stance, which reinforces your argument and leaves a lasting impression.
Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
Linking words are very important in your essay.
To score effectively on your IELTS exam, you should make an effort to implement short concise sentences coupled with linking words.
Almost every sentence in your essay should have a linking word of some sort.
In fact, the only sentences that can omit linking words are your background sentence and thesis.
Linking word examples:
- firstly
- secondly
- thirdly
- in additional
- moreover
- also
- for example
- for instance
- therefore
- however
- although
- even though
- despite