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Writing Samples
Band 6.5

Some people claim that today’s technologies have changed the way children spend their free time, leading to some problems. Others say that this phenomenon benefits children in some respects. Consider both sides of this debate and present your own opinion.

#people #today’s #technologies #children #time #phenomenon #respects #debate
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Technology
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, on which many people including
children
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 rely, has become a more and more controversial topic.
While
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 some people believe spending spare
time
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 with
technology
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 can benefit
children
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, others argue that it could lead to some detrimental effects. In the forthcoming paragraphs, both viewpoints will be explained, leading to my agreement with the latter statement.
To begin
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 with, those who support exposing
children
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 to
technology
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 even in their leisure
time
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 claim that
technology
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 offers anti-monotonous
entertainment
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 which results in a well-spent spare
time
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. Examples can be seen in the way
children
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 use the internet to play various genres of games and even they can try to explore how it is to become a streamer.
Therefore
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,
children
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 have the freedom to decide if they want to have pure
entertainment
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 or a combination of
entertainment
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 and study. Eventually, the freedom which
children
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 will encourage them to be creative and innovative.
Moreover
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, the proponent of
this
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 statement promotes the idea that
technology
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 as an
entertainment
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 tool for
children
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 could be considerably cheap.
Initially
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, it might cost some money to afford those devices and provide access to the internet but in the long term,
children
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 can make the most of
technology
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 without leaving their homes.
On the other hand
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, some people, including me, believe that
children
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 immersed in
technology
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 are expected to have some addiction problems. With all
this
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 endless
entertainment
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 ranging from games to the realm of art,
children
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's bodies produce certain hormones that will trigger them to use
technology
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 relentlessly. In many cases,
this
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 will negatively affect the
children
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’s attention span and
consequently
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 decrease their productivity in school.
Additionally
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, technologies that require less movement can contribute to the increasing trend of diabetes in
children
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.
Finally
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,
technology
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 can prevent
children
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 from having an ideal social life.
To conclude
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, it is undeniable that having
technology
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 in
children
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's circumstances outside of school term can benefit the
children
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 to some extent at the expense of
children
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’s academic performance and health.
Therefore
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, I believe
children
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's immersing
time
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 in
technology
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 should be controlled.
Submitted by k a l l a on

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task achievement
Consider providing more specific examples to support your arguments. For instance, you could mention specific studies or statistics related to the effects of technology on children's health and academic performance.
coherence cohesion
Make sure all paragraphs are well-balanced in length. The second body paragraph is quite detailed compared to the first one. Try to provide a more even distribution of content.
coherence cohesion
The essay has a clear logical structure with a cohesive progression of ideas. Each side of the argument is presented separately before the author’s own opinion is given in the conclusion.
coherence cohesion
The introduction sets up the debate well and the conclusion logically summarizes the points made, showing a clear stance on the issue.
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