At the present time, populations of some countries include a relatively large number of young adults, compared with the number of older people. Do the advantages of this situation outweigh the disadvantages?
The line chart illustrates
about
how older people in Europe Change preposition
apply
spend
Wrong verb form
spent
thier
free time between 1980 and 2010.
Correct your spelling
their
Overall
, we observe that, since 1980 the number of old age nationals who have spent on hiking has increased steadyly
. Correct your spelling
steadily
However
, in the case of reading and Change the spelling
theatre
theater
there were large fluctuations. Add a comma
theater,
Moreover
, after 2000, Surfing the internet has
gained Unnecessary verb
apply
populatrity
and Correct your spelling
popularity
hence
experienced a boom in the figures.
On closer examination, it can be seen that exactly 20% of Add an article
the elder
elder
public liked reading during free hours, Replace the word
elderly
this
has infact
increased at a constant rate since Correct your spelling
in fact
then
, and by the end of 2010
Add a comma
2010,
this
figure was close to 80%. In addition
to this
, in 1980, 60% of the senior citizens were interested in Theater but during the next decade
Add a comma
decade,
this
was nearly 30%, after which there was an increase. In 1980, out of every 100 old people 30 preferred to read books, but in 1990 and 2000 this
was
figure was 40 and 20 individuals respectively, and by the beginning of 2000 Unnecessary verb
apply
this
was close to 60 individuals. Inerestinlgy
, after 2000, the number of senior citizens using Correct your spelling
Interestingly
internet
during their leisure time has Add an article
the internet
shoot
up by almost 30% points.Replace the word
shot
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task achievement
The introduction is somewhat unclear and mentions a 'line chart' instead of addressing the given essay topic directly. Rephrase the introduction to clearly state the topic and your stance regarding the advantages and disadvantages of having a youthful population.
task achievement
Strengthen the clarity of your ideas. Some points in the essay are unclear and inconsistent. Maintain a clear focus on the main topic of whether the advantages outweigh the disadvantages.
coherence cohesion
Improve the logical flow and structure of your essay. Organize your ideas more cohesively and ensure each paragraph has a clear main point. Use more cohesive devices to link sentences and paragraphs effectively.
coherence cohesion
The conclusion is missing. Summarize your main points and clearly state whether you believe the advantages outweigh the disadvantages or vice versa.
task achievement
You have mentioned several trends and provided specific data points to support your observations, which shows good analytical skills.
task achievement
Your essay attempts to address various aspects of the task, such as the different activities older adults engage in during their free time.
Fully explain your ideas
To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).
For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:
- Paragraph 1 - Introduction
- Sentence 1 - Background statement
- Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
- Sentence 3 - Thesis
- Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
- Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
- Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
- Sentence 2 - Example
- Sentence 3 - Discussion
- Sentence 4 - Conclusion
- Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
- Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
- Sentence 2 - Example
- Sentence 3 - Discussion
- Sentence 4 - Conclusion
- Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
- Sentence 1 - Summary
- Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
- Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation
Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.