Childhood obesity is an increasing problem in Australia. As many as tow thirds of children are now obese. Schools have a responsibility to monitor what their students eat and the amount of exercise they do. To what extent do you agree with this statement?
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Obesity has
became
a big problem for kids in Australia. So, some people think it is essential for Change the form of the verb
become
schools
to control their weight and exercise. From my perspective, although
schools
do have some parts of responsibility to pay attention to students
, this
responsibility should be shared among parents
and educational institutions equally.
First and foremost,It is important for schools
to look after their students
' health. To be specific, by limiting poor dishes and provide
a good choice of foods, available to their tastes, young people could be encouraged to eat more healthy Wrong verb form
providing
food
and have a better shape. In addition
, interesting sports classes with great competitions
would motivate children more Fix the agreement mistake
competition
in getting
a healthier lifestyle. Change preposition
to get
For example
, I used to struggle with obesity in primary school, because of the habit of eating hamburgers. However
, my school forbade any type of fast food
and designed a nutrition plan for students
. As a result
, I lost about 10 pounds. Thus
, forbidding the expenditure on junk food
could make youngers a good shape with better health.
However
, schools
cannot be completely held responsible for overlooking eating
and fitness habits of their Correct article usage
the eating
students
. Parents
have equal responsibility of
guiding their children to make better decisions as Change preposition
for
parents
are the first teacher of their children. They can teach them how to read and understand food
labels and nutritional information provided on top of food
packaging. They can also
guide them to eat less food
which is heavy with fats and
. These practices can help the younger generations to make an informed decision on what they are consuming.
In conclusion, I believe that both Correct word choice
apply
parents
and education
system should help young people maintain a healthy lifestyle, not only having a Correct article usage
the education
balancet
diet, but Correct your spelling
balanced
also
exercising.Submitted by 2631272260 on
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grammar
Pay attention to minor grammatical errors and spelling mistakes. For example, 'Obesity has became..' should be 'Obesity has become...'.
language use
While your ideas are clear, try to augment them with more varied vocabulary and sentence structures. This will help in making your writing more engaging.
development
Ensure all statements are fully developed with examples or reasons, especially in the second body paragraph. You could provide more examples of how parents can instill healthy habits.
structural
The introduction clearly sets the stage for the essay and outlines the main argument effectively.
evidence
You have offered specific examples, such as the school forbidding fast food, which help in supporting your arguments.
coherence
The essay maintains a logical flow of ideas with each paragraph effectively supporting the main argument.
Fully explain your ideas
To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).
For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:
- Paragraph 1 - Introduction
- Sentence 1 - Background statement
- Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
- Sentence 3 - Thesis
- Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
- Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
- Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
- Sentence 2 - Example
- Sentence 3 - Discussion
- Sentence 4 - Conclusion
- Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
- Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
- Sentence 2 - Example
- Sentence 3 - Discussion
- Sentence 4 - Conclusion
- Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
- Sentence 1 - Summary
- Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
- Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation
Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.