The precentage of overweight children in western society has increased by almost 20% in the last ten years. Discuss the causes and effects of this disturbing trend.
It is indeed true that, nowadays, people are
suffereing
more from different types of illness and diseases Correct your spelling
suffering
aa
compared to earlier. It is stated that obesity among youth has surged approximately 20% since Correct your spelling
as
last
decade in the western side of the world. I will discuss the reasons and impacts of this
current trend in the subsequent paragraphs.
To commence with, the first and foremost cause for the spreadness
of Correct your spelling
spread
this
disease could be junk food
. Also
known as fast food
, kids
are nowadays addicted to this
type pf
Correct your spelling
of
food
. Fast or junk food
contains no or almost negligible minerals. However
, fast food
consists of plenty of unheathy
ingredients. Correct your spelling
unhealthy
healthy
Besides
this
they may have Add a comma
this,
number
of added preservatives in them which adversely Change the article
a number
the number
effects
the health of Verb problem
affect
younv
children. Correct your spelling
young
your
Secondly
, having an
easy access to Remove the article
apply
this
kind of food
is also
responsible in
Change preposition
for
thr
rising number of overweight Correct your spelling
the
kids
globally as compared to the past. For instace
, when parents are not around or they are swamped to cook for their Correct your spelling
instance
kids
, then
kids
are allowed to eat junk food
that is
accessible to them.
Moreover
, Fast food
companies like McDonald
Change noun form
McDonald's
attracts
Correct subject-verb agreement
attract
kids
by
their offers Change preposition
with
such
as happy
Capitalize word
Happy
meal
, Fix the agreement mistake
Meals
that
Correct pronoun usage
which
also
have a
Correct article usage
apply
toy
in it. Fix the agreement mistake
toys
Consequently
, that toy give
rise to the demand Change the verb form
gives
of
unhealthy Change preposition
for
food
from these types of companies.
Furthermore
, after having a look at the causes of increase
in the ratio of overweight young people, we will discuss how Add an article
the increase
an increase
this
impacts the
society and the youth itself. The primary effect of Correct article usage
apply
this
could be that overweight young people can get sick quickly by
infections Change preposition
from
due to
weak immunity system
. So, they are prone to get ill more often as compared to others. Fix the agreement mistake
systems
Additionally
, the future of a country relies on its citizens. So if,
teens are suffering from illness of obesity and Remove the comma
apply
is
not Verb problem
do
having
a healthy diet, Wrong verb form
have
this
could effect
the future of Correct your spelling
affect
the
society as well Correct article usage
apply
the
youth.
In conclusion, having an easily accessible approach to the oily Correct word choice
as the
food
in the cities and towns has leads
to ailments associated with weight problems in the early stage of life. Change the verb form
led
As a consequence
, they can get infected by other diseases frequently in contrast
to others.Submitted by simrankaurkaur450 on
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coherence cohesion
The essay should be more tightly organized to improve its logical structure. Try to group related ideas together in a more cohesive manner.
coherence cohesion
Ensure that you have a clear introduction and conclusion, and that each body paragraph focuses on a single main idea that is well-developed.
task achievement
Improve the clarity and comprehensiveness of your ideas by providing more detailed explanations and relevant examples where needed. Ensure that every point you make directly addresses the question.
task achievement
The essay attempts to answer the question by discussing both the causes and effects of the increase in overweight children.
task achievement
You've included relevant specific examples, such as the reference to McDonald's Happy Meal as a way to attract children to fast food.
coherence cohesion
The conclusion effectively summarizes the points made in the essay and reinforces the main argument.
Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Examples make your writing easier to understand by illustrating points more effectively.
Examples, if used properly, not only help you get higher marks for ‘Task Response’ but also for ‘Coherence’.
When giving examples it is best to put them after your main idea or topic sentence. They can be used in the middle of supporting sentences or they can be used to start a new sentence. There is no rule for where exactly to give examples in essays, logically they would come after your main idea/topic sentence or just after a supporting sentence.
Linking words for giving examples:
- for example
- for instance
- to illustrate this
- to give a clear example
- such as
- namely
- to illustrate
- take, for example