Some people think that having a set retirement age (e.g 65 years) for everyday, regardless og occupation, is unfair. They believe that certain workers deserves to retire and receive a pension at an earlier age. Do you agree or disagree? Which type of workers do you think shiuld benefits frkm early retirement? Give reasons and examples.

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It is
obivous
Correct your spelling
obvious

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for every profession to have
an
Change the article
a

The article an may be incorrect. Consider changing it to agree with the beginning sound of the following word retirement.

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retirement
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age
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,
for
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example
Add the comma(s)
example,

It appears that you are missing a comma or two with the interrupter for example. Consider adding the comma(s).

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65 years.
Though
Correct word choice
However

It seems that conjunction use may be incorrect here.

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some people claim
that is
Linking Words

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biased for some professionals as their job could be harder than other workers. They insist that it should be at
an
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a

The article an may be incorrect. Consider changing it to agree with the beginning sound of the following word more.

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more
Change the word
apply

The double comparative more earlier may be repetitive. Consider changing this to the appropriate comparative form.

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earlier
age
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. I completely agree with
this
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notion. To commence with, the first and foremost reason for
this
Linking Words

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is that some occupations demand more physical strength
such
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as sports,
whereas
Linking Words

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others may involve risk to
life
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like being a soldier in the military. If these types of jobs are continued for more longer span of
life
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, it might
do
Verb problem
cause

There may be a verb use issue here.

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some
long lasting
Add a hyphen
long-lasting

It seems that long lasting is missing a hyphen. Consider adding the hyphen(s).

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injuries or fatigue to one's body.
Due to
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this
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, a worker could suffer
to
Change preposition
apply

It seems that preposition use may be incorrect here.

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body pain for the entire
life
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after
retirement
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.
Moreover
Linking Words

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, soldiers who are fighting with rival
naltions
Correct your spelling
nations

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to protect their fellow citizens
,
Remove the comma
apply

The comma may be separating the subject and verb in your sentence. Consider removing it.

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should definitely get retire at an early
age
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It is important to use synonyms in your writing, as you will lose marks if you repeat words from the question and use the same words in your essay over and over. If you do that, it will show the examiner that you have a limited vocabulary and you want to do the opposite for a high band score.

.
Therefore
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, they can spend
their
Change the word
the

The word their may be incorrect in this context. Consider changing it.

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rest of
life
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It is important to use synonyms in your writing, as you will lose marks if you repeat words from the question and use the same words in your essay over and over. If you do that, it will show the examiner that you have a limited vocabulary and you want to do the opposite for a high band score.

with
the
Change the word
their

The word the may be incorrect in this context. Consider changing it.

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loved ones.
This
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is because they can be on borders,
on
Change preposition
apply

It seems that preposition use may be incorrect here.

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a
Correct article usage
apply

It seems that there is an article usage problem here.

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distanced
Change the form of the verb
distance

It appears that your sentence or clause uses an incorrect form of the verb distanced. Consider changing it.

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from their families
since
Change preposition
from

It seems that preposition use may be incorrect here.

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the time they
join
Wrong verb form
joined

It appears that your sentence or clause uses an incorrect form of the verb join. Consider changing it.

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the army. Perhaps, they have some vacations from their duty,
still
Add a comma
still,

It appears that you are missing a comma after the introductory phrase still. Consider adding a comma.

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I believe it should be
young
Correct article usage
a young

It seems that there is an article usage problem here.

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age
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It is important to use synonyms in your writing, as you will lose marks if you repeat words from the question and use the same words in your essay over and over. If you do that, it will show the examiner that you have a limited vocabulary and you want to do the opposite for a high band score.

to
get
Verb problem
apply

There may be a verb use issue here.

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retire.
Additionally
Linking Words

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, they should
also
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Usage of linking words is important in IELTS writing. They help create clear connections between ideas in your writing. They improve the flow of your essay by showing relationships between paragraphs and sentences. Using appropriate linking words demonstrates your ability to write cohesively and will help you achieve a higher band score.

be provided with remuneration with pensions after their
retirement
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It is important to use synonyms in your writing, as you will lose marks if you repeat words from the question and use the same words in your essay over and over. If you do that, it will show the examiner that you have a limited vocabulary and you want to do the opposite for a high band score.

.
This
Linking Words

Usage of linking words is important in IELTS writing. They help create clear connections between ideas in your writing. They improve the flow of your essay by showing relationships between paragraphs and sentences. Using appropriate linking words demonstrates your ability to write cohesively and will help you achieve a higher band score.

should be as a reward
to serve
Change preposition
for serving

It seems that preposition use may be incorrect here.

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the nation and risking their precious
life
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It is important to use synonyms in your writing, as you will lose marks if you repeat words from the question and use the same words in your essay over and over. If you do that, it will show the examiner that you have a limited vocabulary and you want to do the opposite for a high band score.

for the whole country.
Furthermore
Linking Words

Usage of linking words is important in IELTS writing. They help create clear connections between ideas in your writing. They improve the flow of your essay by showing relationships between paragraphs and sentences. Using appropriate linking words demonstrates your ability to write cohesively and will help you achieve a higher band score.

, setting an early
age
Use synonyms

It is important to use synonyms in your writing, as you will lose marks if you repeat words from the question and use the same words in your essay over and over. If you do that, it will show the examiner that you have a limited vocabulary and you want to do the opposite for a high band score.

of
retirement
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It is important to use synonyms in your writing, as you will lose marks if you repeat words from the question and use the same words in your essay over and over. If you do that, it will show the examiner that you have a limited vocabulary and you want to do the opposite for a high band score.

would result in
surge
Add an article
a surge

The noun phrase surge seems to be missing a determiner before it. Consider adding an article.

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of
Change preposition
in

It seems that preposition use may be incorrect here.

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employment.
As retiring
Change preposition
Retiring

It seems that preposition use may be incorrect here.

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early will
make
Verb problem
create

There may be a verb use issue here.

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more vacancies as compared to now.
This
Linking Words

Usage of linking words is important in IELTS writing. They help create clear connections between ideas in your writing. They improve the flow of your essay by showing relationships between paragraphs and sentences. Using appropriate linking words demonstrates your ability to write cohesively and will help you achieve a higher band score.

way the problem of unemployment could
get
Verb problem
be

There may be a verb use issue here.

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eliminated from the nation. More and more individuals can get jobs. In
conlusion
Correct your spelling
conclusion

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, I firmly believe that it will be more beneficial to set the
retirement
Use synonyms

It is important to use synonyms in your writing, as you will lose marks if you repeat words from the question and use the same words in your essay over and over. If you do that, it will show the examiner that you have a limited vocabulary and you want to do the opposite for a high band score.

age
Use synonyms

It is important to use synonyms in your writing, as you will lose marks if you repeat words from the question and use the same words in your essay over and over. If you do that, it will show the examiner that you have a limited vocabulary and you want to do the opposite for a high band score.

before 65 years for some occupations, for
instances
Fix the agreement mistake
instance

It seems that instances may not agree in number with other words in this phrase.

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, sportsmen and army men.
This
Linking Words

Usage of linking words is important in IELTS writing. They help create clear connections between ideas in your writing. They improve the flow of your essay by showing relationships between paragraphs and sentences. Using appropriate linking words demonstrates your ability to write cohesively and will help you achieve a higher band score.

intention will
also
Linking Words

Usage of linking words is important in IELTS writing. They help create clear connections between ideas in your writing. They improve the flow of your essay by showing relationships between paragraphs and sentences. Using appropriate linking words demonstrates your ability to write cohesively and will help you achieve a higher band score.

aid in alleviating the ongoing issue of
the
Correct article usage
apply

It seems that there is an article usage problem here.

show examples
unemployment.
Submitted by simrankaurkaur450 on

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grammar
Pay careful attention to grammar and spelling errors. For example, 'obivous' should be 'obvious' and 'an more earlier age' should be 'an earlier age.' Polishing these aspects will make the essay more professional.
development
Ensure that each paragraph has a clear main idea and that this idea is developed with supporting details. Some paragraphs could benefit from more specific examples and explanations to enhance your argument.
clarity
Make sure your sentences are well-structured and clear. Sometimes ideas are repeated or not clearly linked, which can make the essay harder to follow. Improve sentence variety to enhance readability.
structure
Your essay has a clear introduction and conclusion that effectively frame your argument.
perspective
You have a well-considered perspective on the topic, and you use logical reasoning to support your points, such as discussing the physical demands of certain jobs and the emotional need for soldiers to retire early.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

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