Some people think that having a set retirement age (e.g 65 years) for everyday, regardless og occupation, is unfair. They believe that certain workers deserves to retire and receive a pension at an earlier age. Do you agree or disagree? Which type of workers do you think shiuld benefits frkm early retirement? Give reasons and examples.
It is
obivous
for every profession to have Correct your spelling
obvious
an
Change the article
a
retirement
age
, for
example
65 years. Add the comma(s)
example,
Though
some people claim Correct word choice
However
that is
biased for some professionals as their job could be harder than other workers. They insist that it should be at an
Change the article
a
more
earlier Change the word
apply
age
. I completely agree with this
notion.
To commence with, the first and foremost reason for this
is that some occupations demand more physical strength such
as sports, whereas
others may involve risk to life
like being a soldier in the military. If these types of jobs are continued for more longer span of life
, it might do
some Verb problem
cause
long lasting
injuries or fatigue to one's body. Add a hyphen
long-lasting
Due to
this
, a worker could suffer to
body pain for the entire Change preposition
apply
life
after retirement
.
Moreover
, soldiers who are fighting with rival naltions
to protect their fellow citizensCorrect your spelling
nations
,
should definitely get retire at an early Remove the comma
apply
age
. Therefore
, they can spend their
rest of Change the word
the
life
with the
loved ones. Change the word
their
This
is because they can be on borders, on
Change preposition
apply
a
Correct article usage
apply
distanced
from their families Change the form of the verb
distance
since
the time they Change preposition
from
join
the army.
Perhaps, they have some vacations from their duty, Wrong verb form
joined
still
I believe it should be Add a comma
still,
young
Correct article usage
a young
age
to get
retire.
Verb problem
apply
Additionally
, they should also
be provided with remuneration with pensions after their retirement
. This
should be as a reward to serve
the nation and risking their precious Change preposition
for serving
life
for the whole country. Furthermore
, setting an early age
of retirement
would result in surge
Add an article
a surge
of
employment. Change preposition
in
As retiring
early will Change preposition
Retiring
make
more vacancies as compared to now. Verb problem
create
This
way the problem of unemployment could get
eliminated from the nation. More and more individuals can get jobs.
In Verb problem
be
conlusion
, I firmly believe that it will be more beneficial to set the Correct your spelling
conclusion
retirement
age
before 65 years for some occupations, for instances
, sportsmen and army men. Fix the agreement mistake
instance
This
intention will also
aid in alleviating the ongoing issue of the
unemployment.Correct article usage
apply
Submitted by simrankaurkaur450 on
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grammar
Pay careful attention to grammar and spelling errors. For example, 'obivous' should be 'obvious' and 'an more earlier age' should be 'an earlier age.' Polishing these aspects will make the essay more professional.
development
Ensure that each paragraph has a clear main idea and that this idea is developed with supporting details. Some paragraphs could benefit from more specific examples and explanations to enhance your argument.
clarity
Make sure your sentences are well-structured and clear. Sometimes ideas are repeated or not clearly linked, which can make the essay harder to follow. Improve sentence variety to enhance readability.
structure
Your essay has a clear introduction and conclusion that effectively frame your argument.
perspective
You have a well-considered perspective on the topic, and you use logical reasoning to support your points, such as discussing the physical demands of certain jobs and the emotional need for soldiers to retire early.
Fully explain your ideas
To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).
For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:
- Paragraph 1 - Introduction
- Sentence 1 - Background statement
- Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
- Sentence 3 - Thesis
- Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
- Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
- Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
- Sentence 2 - Example
- Sentence 3 - Discussion
- Sentence 4 - Conclusion
- Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
- Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
- Sentence 2 - Example
- Sentence 3 - Discussion
- Sentence 4 - Conclusion
- Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
- Sentence 1 - Summary
- Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
- Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation
Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.