An increasing number of people are choosing to have cosmetic surgery in order to improve their appearance. Why are more people choosing to have operation to change the way they look? Do you think this a positive or negative development?

Nowadays, more and more
people
want to have cosmetic
surgery
to make them more beautiful or handsome. I believe that because of the rejection and exclusion
fear
Verb problem
apply
show examples
they
want
Add the particle
want to
show examples
make these changes in their look and
also
I argue that
this
is a negative development in
people
's lives. A growing amount of
people
choosing to change their look with cosmetic
surgeries
such
as
botox
Capitalize word
Botox
show examples
and plastic surgeons. These kinds of
people
have
fear
Correct article usage
a fear
show examples
of getting rejected by someone and
also
they think that
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
society will exclude them just because they think they are ugly.
For instance
, Some
people
who do not have so many friends think that they do not have friends because they are ugly.
However
,
Most
Fix capitalization
most
show examples
people
do not care about how their close friends look, they just want to chat and have a funny moment.
Hence
, individuals who have cosmetic
surgery
, botox or plastic
surgery
have
fear
Correct article usage
a fear
show examples
of being excluded from
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
society and rejection. These
kind
Fix the agreement mistake
kinds
show examples
of
surgeries
are getting more and more popular day by day.
Moreover
,
due to
body-shaming and social media violence most of them force themselves to get these kinds of
surgeries
to not get violent messages or body-shaming comments from the media.
This
is
such
a negative development in their lives. Because when
people
more and more change their appearances.
Also
,
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
other
people
want to make jokes about ugly
people
.
For example
, If a person who has bad behaviours
such
as joking
foreign
Change preposition
with foreign
show examples
people
, wants to mock someone and
due to
surgeries
most
people
are beautiful or handsome in society's thoughts, because of that ugly
people
get more attention from these kinds of bullies.
To sum up
, An increasing quantity of
people
want to have
surgery
to make themselves more beautiful or handsome
due to
their fears about getting rejected and being excluded. I argue that
this
is a negative development because when they have more and more
surgery
media tyrants want to bully other ugly
people
more and more.
Submitted by taylanpolat6124 on

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Coherence and Cohesion
Consider developing a more structured introduction. You can begin with a broader statement related to the topic before narrowing it down to your specific argument.
Coherence and Cohesion
Provide a more comprehensive conclusion that summarizes the key points in the essay and restates the thesis in light of the evidence provided.
Coherence and Cohesion
Improve the logical flow between paragraphs. Transitional phrases can help to link ideas smoothly.
Task Achievement
While the essay provides relevant examples, more detailed explanations would further strengthen your arguments.
Task Achievement
Elaborate on your points to provide deeper insights. For instance, discuss societal pressures and mental health implications in more detail.
Task Achievement
The essay addresses the key points of the prompt, discussing reasons for increased cosmetic surgery and evaluating its impact.
Task Achievement
Relevant examples like societal rejection and body-shaming on social media help illustrate the arguments.

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Topic Vocabulary:
  • Idealized beauty standards
  • Cosmetic surgery
  • Advancements in medical technology
  • Socially acceptable
  • Self-improvement
  • Psychological well-being
  • Competitive workforce
  • Youthful appearance
  • Body dysmorphic disorder (BDD)
  • Physical appearance
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