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Band 5

Some people think that a sense of competition in children should be encouraged. Others believe that children who are taught to cooperate rather than compete become more useful adults. Discuss both views and give your own opinion.

#people #sense #competition #children #adults
In
this
essay
Add a comma
essay,
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 I explain my views on why children should be encouraged to be
competive
Correct your spelling
competitive
 and taught to be cooperative. My opinion is that all kids should have the
skillset
Correct your spelling
skill set
show examples
 to compete and to be a team player.
Due to
internet
Correct article usage
the internet
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 revolution, the world is becoming
one
 global workforce,
therefore
, it is paramount that children are equipped to challenge and
work
together with
 their global peers.
In
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On
show examples
one
 hand, I believe being competitive is very important to achieve success in any
fields
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field
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such
 as education, sports, career, business, etc. Everyone will be challenged on a regular basis if they need to achieve greater heights in their
life
.
For example
, if we take corporate
life
,
Remove the comma
apply
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 if you are competing with your colleagues, you will have the appetite to learn new things,
you
Correct word choice
and you
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 will have the focus to complete bigger tasks.
This
 will help you to showcase an outstanding performance and to go up
in
Change preposition
apply
show examples
the corporate ladder.
On the other hand
, the individual should know when they should be in a competition mode and when to be in a friendly mode. The ability to
work
together with
 other people to get the
work
 done is
one
 of the important
attribute
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attributes
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to be
Change preposition
of being
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sucessfull
Correct your spelling
successful
 in
life
.
For example
, we have several political leaders who have not excelled in any specific area, but they have the skills to make many people
to
Change the verb form
apply
show examples
work
 towards
one
 common goal. So, it is important for anyone to be equally competitive and a team player to achieve
sucess
Correct your spelling
success
 in their
life
.
Submitted by msrinivas7866 on

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task achievement
Make sure to proofread your essay to catch small grammatical errors and typos, which can affect the overall readability.
task achievement
Try to provide more detailed examples to support your points. This can strengthen your argument and make your essay more convincing.
coherence cohesion
Enhance the introduction and conclusion. A strong introduction sets the stage for the essay, and a strong conclusion summarizes the main points effectively and leaves a lasting impression.
coherence cohesion
Use more transitional phrases to ensure a smooth flow of ideas from one paragraph to the next. This will improve the overall coherence of your essay.
task achievement
You have addressed both sides of the argument clearly, which demonstrates a good understanding of the task.
coherence cohesion
The structure of your essay is logical, and it is easy to follow your line of reasoning.
task achievement
You have included relevant examples that support your points, which adds credibility to your arguments.

Include an introduction and conclusion

A conclusion is essential for IELTS writing task 2. It is more important than most people realise. You will be penalised for missing a conclusion in your IELTS essay.

The easiest paragraph to write in an essay is the conclusion paragraph. This is because the paragraph mostly contains information that has already been presented in the essay – it is just the repetition of some information written in the introduction paragraph and supporting paragraphs.

The conclusion paragraph only has 3 sentences:

  • Summary
  • Restatement of thesis
  • Prediction or recommendation

Example:

To summarize, a robotic teacher does not have the necessary disciple to properly give instructions to students and actually works to retard the ability of a student to comprehend new lessons. Therefore, it is clear that the idea of running a classroom completely by a machine cannot be supported. After thorough analysis on this subject, it is predicted that the adverse effects of the debate over technology-driven teaching will always be greater than the positive effects, and because of this, classroom teachers will never be substituted for technology.

Start your conclusion with a linking phrase. Here are some examples:

  • In conclusion
  • To conclude
  • To summarize
  • Finally
  • In a nutshell
  • In general

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