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Band 5

Whether or not a person achieves their aim in life is mostly related to luck. Disagree or agree with this?

#person #aim #life #luck
Success is believed to be
depended
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dependent
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 on luck by many
individuals
,
whereas
 others are
on
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apply
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a
Correct article usage
the
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 contrary with that statement. The writer of
this
 essay disagrees
with
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that
show examples
 luck brings success to
human
Fix the agreement mistake
humans
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 as earnest attempts
coupled with
 a working attitude are the two truly main factors, which aid
people
 reach to their goals. One of the core reasons as to why
human-being
Correct your spelling
human beings
show examples
 achieve their ambitions is
according to
 an effort which assists them in passing all challenges. In fact,
while
people
 try to
concertrate
Correct your spelling
concentrate
 on building up their abilities, these ambitious
people
 will struggle with a
quantity
Change the quantifier
number
show examples
 of distractions, namely depression and failure, which have a negative impact on their determination.
However
,
but
Correct word choice
apply
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for
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with
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 their discipline
along
with
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apply
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endeavour, those determined
individuals
 can overcome difficulties and
the
Correct article usage
apply
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amass beneficial experience
due to
 learning from previous mistakes.
As a result
,
people
 become more mature
as well as
 experienced in order to approach their target closely. Working attitude is
an
Remove the article
apply
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another key component of the case for
individuals
 making their dreams come true. To be more specific, despite having a talent in a particular subject, it is absolutely taxing for a person to be reputable without passion and enthusiasm for a work.
Furthermore
, when
human
Fix the agreement mistake
humans
show examples
 do a mission with all of their heart, no matter how impossible it is, those creative
individuals
 will be able to create an unpredictable chance for themselves.
For instance
, Menden, an influential biologist with an essential contribution to biology by his profound passion for it,
he
Correct pronoun usage
apply
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did more than 7000 experiments with beans before succeeding. In conclusion, even though luck might play a vital role in the way
human
Fix the agreement mistake
humans
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 fulfil
of
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apply
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their dreams, it can be observed that effort
along with
 a working attitude far
outweigh
Correct subject-verb agreement
outweighs
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 it, based on those factors support
individuals
 reach their aim efficiently
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coherence
Clarify certain phrases for clearer understanding, e.g., 'but for their discipline along with endeavour' could be simplified or rephrased for clarity.
task achievement
Be mindful of grammar and sentence structure to avoid confusion, e.g., 'in the way human fulfill of their dreams' is unclear. Consider revising such sentences.
coherence
Proofread the text to avoid minor errors that can distract or detract from the overall flow, such as 'an another' which should be 'another'.
introduction conclusion
The essay features a clear introduction and conclusion, which effectively frame the argument.
supported main points
Main points are well-supported by relevant examples, including the reference to Menden's dedication to biology.
logical structure
The essay showcases a good attempt to present a logical structure and develop ideas progressively.

Include an introduction and conclusion

A conclusion is essential for IELTS writing task 2. It is more important than most people realise. You will be penalised for missing a conclusion in your IELTS essay.

The easiest paragraph to write in an essay is the conclusion paragraph. This is because the paragraph mostly contains information that has already been presented in the essay – it is just the repetition of some information written in the introduction paragraph and supporting paragraphs.

The conclusion paragraph only has 3 sentences:

  • Summary
  • Restatement of thesis
  • Prediction or recommendation

Example:

To summarize, a robotic teacher does not have the necessary disciple to properly give instructions to students and actually works to retard the ability of a student to comprehend new lessons. Therefore, it is clear that the idea of running a classroom completely by a machine cannot be supported. After thorough analysis on this subject, it is predicted that the adverse effects of the debate over technology-driven teaching will always be greater than the positive effects, and because of this, classroom teachers will never be substituted for technology.

Start your conclusion with a linking phrase. Here are some examples:

  • In conclusion
  • To conclude
  • To summarize
  • Finally
  • In a nutshell
  • In general

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