IELTS Writing Correction Service /
Writing Samples /
Band 4.5

It is suggested that everyone in the world should have a car, a TV and a fridge. Do you think the disadvantages outweigh the advantages for society？

#world #car #tv #fridge #society？
It is advised that
people
 must have a
car
 ,a TV and a fridge . I believe that
drawbacks
Correct article usage
the drawbacks
show examples
 of
this
Correct determiner usage
these
show examples
 facilities do not outweigh the benefits because
although
this
 is a unnecessary items for most
of
Change preposition
apply
show examples
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
families when it comes to cost
but
Remove the conjunction
apply
show examples
these items become basic needs in order to travel and keep
food
 fresh in the fridge. The main disadvantage of having a
car
 is traffic congestion on roads and harmful
effect
Fix the agreement mistake
effects
show examples
 on
environment
Add an article
the environment
show examples
 . Each family member has a
car
 nowadays which leads to traffic
jam
Fix the agreement mistake
jams
show examples
 on the roads and burning fuel which pollutes
environment
Correct article usage
the environment
show examples
also
 .
Beside
Replace the word
Besides
show examples
this
 , there are numerous demerits of TV
such
 as
people
suffer
Wrong verb form
suffering
show examples
 from eye-sight issues
due to
prolong
Change the form of the verb
prolonged
show examples
period
Fix the agreement mistake
periods
show examples
 of watching
screen
Fix the agreement mistake
screens
show examples
and
Correct word choice
which
show examples
also
shows
Verb problem
has
show examples
bad
Correct article usage
a bad
show examples
 effect on
sedentary
Add an article
a sedentary
show examples
 lifestyle .
For example
 , children who watch TV for a long period
suffers
Correct subject-verb agreement
suffer
show examples
 eye-sight
as well as
 weight gain problems .
However
 , I would argue that without
car
Add an article
a car
the car
show examples
 it would be hard to commute to their workplaces . The benefit of having a
car
 is that it would be easier for
people
 to commute to their
job
Fix the agreement mistake
jobs
show examples
instead
 of wasting time
in
Change preposition
on
show examples
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
public transport.
Also
 ,
fridge
Correct article usage
a fridge
show examples
 is important
keep
Add the particle
to keep
show examples
a
Remove the article
food
a portion of food
show examples
food
 fresh in the house . If family members keep leftovers in the kitchen
then
 it is most likely the
food
 get
poisned
Correct your spelling
poisoned
 with bacteria which would be bad for individual health issues.
For example
 , vegetables should be stored in refrigerated
area
Fix the agreement mistake
areas
show examples
 to keep
food
 fresh and healthy . I think that the most important consideration is to make life easy and keep yourself healthy . In conclusion ,
although
 it is unfortunate that these items have
bad
Correct article usage
a bad
show examples
 impact on
environment
Add an article
the environment
show examples
as well as
 on health
but
Remove the conjunction
apply
show examples
I
beleive
Correct your spelling
believe
 that
this
make
Change the verb form
makes
show examples
people
Change noun form
people's
show examples
life
Fix the agreement mistake
lives
show examples
 much easier by commuting to workplaces and keeping your
food
 fresh for
long
Change the article
a long
show examples
 time.
Submitted by kmlchahal97 on

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introduction conclusion present
Your introduction is clear, but it could be improved by including a brief outline of the points you will discuss in the essay. This helps set the stage for the reader and improves clarity.
supported main points
Some points lack adequate development and detail. Ensure your main points are fully supported with relevant examples and explanations to create a cohesive argument. For instance, you mentioned the negative effects of TV, but you could elaborate more on how to mitigate them.
clear comprehensive ideas
Your ideas are generally clear and relevant, but there are instances where clarity could be improved. For example, you can structure the comparative statements more effectively. Phrases such as 'I would argue that without car it would be hard...' could be better framed for clarity.
introduction conclusion present
Your essay has a clear introduction and conclusion which help the reader understand your position and summary of arguments.
relevant specific examples
You have used relevant examples to support your arguments, which strengthens your response.
logical structure
The structure of the essay is logical, making it easy for the reader to follow your points.
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