IELTS Writing Correction Service /
Writing Samples /
Band 6.5

The bar chart below shows the numbers of men and women attending various evening courses at an adult education centre in 2009. The pie chart gives information about the ages of these course participants

The bar chart below shows the numbers of men and women attending various evening courses at an adult education centre in 2009. The pie chart gives information about the ages of these course participants
#bar #numbers #men #women #courses #adult #education #centre #information #ages #course #participants
The given bar graph depicts data about the numbers of
male
Fix the agreement mistake
males
show examples
 and
female
Fix the agreement mistake
females
show examples
 who participated in some evening courses at an adult education centre in 2009
while
 the other chart describes the proportion of these course joiners' ages. At first glance, there were four courses, but the
activitity
Correct your spelling
activity
 boys entered the most was language. As for ages, the
number
 of
people
 who are under 20
envolved
Correct your spelling
involved
 in
these course
Change the determiner
this course
these courses
show examples
 recorded at the lowest data. Looking at the bar chart, it is visible that the
figure
 for men in
language
Correct article usage
the language
show examples
 course
had
Verb problem
was
show examples
 40
people
 which is two times higher than that for female.
On the other hand
, Sculpture
withnessed
Correct your spelling
witnessed
 a modest
number
 of both male and female participants as their
number
 are 10
people
 and 5
people
 respectively. Interestingly, drama had the two-time higher boy numbers than the other gender.
However
, regarding painting, the difference between the
figure
 for men and that for women has no clear difference, with 40
participators
Replace the word
participants
show examples
 for girls and roughly 35 for boys. As for ages, the
number
 of adults who are at or over 50 years old accounted for 42%, being the outnumbered
figure
 when comparing it to others.
In contrast
, 5
percentage
Replace the word
per cent
show examples
 of under-20-year-old teenagers had the lowest
figure
.
People
 who are at the age of 30 to 39 and 20 to 29
was
Correct subject-verb agreement
were
show examples
 almost similar in joiner numbers.
Finally
, 26% was made up
by
Change preposition
of
show examples
 the group of 40-
40-year old
Add a hyphen
40-year-old
show examples
people
, being the second-largest
figure
 in the given pie chart's data.

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Writing9 with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

Conclusion: The conclusion is too long.
Vocabulary: Replace the words number, people, figure with synonyms.
▼
Vocabulary: The word "chart" was used 3 times.
▼
Vocabulary: The word "figure" was used 5 times.
▼
Vocabulary: The word "figure" was used 5 times.
▼
Vocabulary: The word "give" was used 2 times.
▼
Vocabulary: The word "data" was used 3 times.
▼
Vocabulary: The word "difference" was used 2 times.
▼
Vocabulary: The word "numbers of" was used 4 times.
▼
What to do next:
Look at other essays: