IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 4

You should spend about 40 mins. Many people think that mobile phones should be banned in public places such as libraries, shops and public transport. Do you agree or disagree?

#mins #people #phones #places #libraries #shops #transport
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Nowadays, people
thought
Wrong verb form
think
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 of restricting mobile
phones
Use synonyms
on
Change preposition
in
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 public areas
such
Linking Words
 as libraries, shops and public transport. Though the policy may be beneficial in some ways I disagree with banning
of
Change preposition
apply
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gadgets
on
Change preposition
in
show examples
 common areas. Modern technology
such
Linking Words
 as mobile
phones
Use synonyms
are
Change the verb form
is
show examples
 not used properly and
accordingly
Linking Words
. In some
cases
Add a comma
cases,
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 it may cause disturbance to fellow commuters. Take an example, there are commuters using their phone on
loud speakers
Correct your spelling
loudspeakers
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 adding noise pollution on the streets.
While
Linking Words
 others
use
Use synonyms
 it with responsibility, there are still individuals
Use synonyms
use
Correct pronoun usage
who use
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 the gadgets as an access to
the
Correct article usage
apply
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crime. On
the
Correct article usage
a
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 positive note, there are
also
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 good uses
of
Change preposition
for
show examples
the
Correct article usage
apply
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electronic devices.
Although
Linking Words
 citizens nowadays are addicted to the
use
Use synonyms
 of mobile
phones
Use synonyms
, it is still a tool for
day to day
Add a hyphen
day-to-day
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 transactions. For
an
Correct article usage
apply
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instance
Add a comma
instance,
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 remote entrepreneurs may be able to operate their businesses
eventhough
Correct your spelling
even though
 they are away from the location physically. Prohibition on the
use
Use synonyms
 of mobile
phones
Use synonyms
on
Change preposition
in
show examples
 public places may cause
lose
Replace the word
loss
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 of deals, incomes and customers
due to
Linking Words
 late responses.
Cellphones
Correct your spelling
Cell phones
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 are
also
Linking Words
 beneficial in terms of emergency cases in order to contact medical authorities for help. With the
use
Use synonyms
 of
technology
Add a comma
technology,
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 a life can
be save
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be saved
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 and spared from danger.
Overall
Linking Words
, the
use
Use synonyms
 of modern technology is helpful on a daily basis,
thus
Linking Words
 restrictions
of
Change preposition
on
show examples
 cellphones
on
Change preposition
in
show examples
 public establishments may cause harm rather than benefit. Mobile
phones
Use synonyms
 may be distractive to
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
society, yet banning
may
Correct pronoun usage
them may
show examples
 not be the answer to the problems.
Submitted by dhowardjacob on

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task achievement
Your essay provides a clear position on the topic and includes relevant ideas, but it needs more specific examples to fully develop your arguments. For instance, you mention remote entrepreneurs but do not provide a concrete example to illustrate this point.
coherence cohesion
Ensure that each paragraph has a clear main idea and that your arguments are logically connected. You can improve the structure by using linking words and phrases more effectively to guide the reader through your essay.
coherence cohesion
Your introduction and conclusion sections are present and contribute to the overall structure of your essay. However, the introduction could be strengthened by providing a more detailed background on the issue of mobile phone usage in public places before stating your opinion.
coherence cohesion
You have a clear introduction and a well-defined conclusion, which helps the reader understand your main point of view.
task achievement
Your essay presents a balanced view on both the benefits and drawbacks of using mobile phones in public places.

Include an introduction and conclusion

A conclusion is essential for IELTS writing task 2. It is more important than most people realise. You will be penalised for missing a conclusion in your IELTS essay.

The easiest paragraph to write in an essay is the conclusion paragraph. This is because the paragraph mostly contains information that has already been presented in the essay – it is just the repetition of some information written in the introduction paragraph and supporting paragraphs.

The conclusion paragraph only has 3 sentences:

  • Summary
  • Restatement of thesis
  • Prediction or recommendation

Example:

To summarize, a robotic teacher does not have the necessary disciple to properly give instructions to students and actually works to retard the ability of a student to comprehend new lessons. Therefore, it is clear that the idea of running a classroom completely by a machine cannot be supported. After thorough analysis on this subject, it is predicted that the adverse effects of the debate over technology-driven teaching will always be greater than the positive effects, and because of this, classroom teachers will never be substituted for technology.

Start your conclusion with a linking phrase. Here are some examples:

  • In conclusion
  • To conclude
  • To summarize
  • Finally
  • In a nutshell
  • In general

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Topic Vocabulary:
  • Disturbance
  • Disruptive
  • Exposure
  • Eye strain
  • Face-to-face interactions
  • Social isolation
  • Hinder
  • Emergency situations
  • Quick access
  • Crucial
What to do next:
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