IELTS Writing Correction Service /
Writing Samples /
Band 4

You should spend about 40 mins. Write about the following topic: Many people think that mobile phones should be banned in public places such as libraries, shops and public transport. Do you agree or disagree?

#mins #topic #people #phones #places #libraries #shops #transport
Nowadays, people
thought
Wrong verb form
think
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 of restricting mobile
phones
on
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in
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 public areas
such
 as libraries, shops and public transport. Though the policy may be beneficial in some ways I disagree with banning
of
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apply
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gadgets
on
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in
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 common areas. Modern technology
such
 as mobile
phones
are
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is
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 not used properly and
accordingly
. In some
cases
Add a comma
cases,
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 it may cause disturbance to fellow commuters. Take an example, there are commuters using their phone on
loud speakers
Correct your spelling
loudspeakers
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 adding noise pollution on the streets.
While
 others
use
 it with responsibility, there are still individuals
use
Correct pronoun usage
who use
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 the gadgets as an access to
the
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apply
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crime. On
the
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a
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 positive note, there are
also
 good uses
of
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for
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the
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apply
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electronic devices.
Although
 citizens nowadays are addicted to the
use
 of mobile
phones
, it is still a tool for
day to day
Add a hyphen
day-to-day
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 transactions. For
an
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apply
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instance
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instance,
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 remote entrepreneurs may be able to operate their businesses
eventhough
Correct your spelling
even though
 they are away from the location physically. Prohibition on the
use
 of mobile
phones
on
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in
show examples
 public places may cause
lose
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loss
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 of deals, incomes and customers
due to
 late responses.
Cellphones
Correct your spelling
Cell phones
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 are
also
 beneficial in terms of emergency cases in order to contact medical authorities for help. With the
use
 of
technology
Add a comma
technology,
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 a life can
be save
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be saved
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 and spared from danger.
Overall
, the
use
 of modern technology is helpful on a daily basis,
thus
 restrictions
of
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on
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 cellphones
on
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in
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 public establishments may cause harm rather than benefit. Mobile
phones
 may be distractive to
the
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apply
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society, yet banning
may
Correct pronoun usage
them may
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 not be the answer to the problems.
Submitted by dhowardjacob on

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task achievement
Your essay provides a clear position on the topic and includes relevant ideas, but it needs more specific examples to fully develop your arguments. For instance, you mention remote entrepreneurs but do not provide a concrete example to illustrate this point.
coherence cohesion
Ensure that each paragraph has a clear main idea and that your arguments are logically connected. You can improve the structure by using linking words and phrases more effectively to guide the reader through your essay.
coherence cohesion
Your introduction and conclusion sections are present and contribute to the overall structure of your essay. However, the introduction could be strengthened by providing a more detailed background on the issue of mobile phone usage in public places before stating your opinion.
coherence cohesion
You have a clear introduction and a well-defined conclusion, which helps the reader understand your main point of view.
task achievement
Your essay presents a balanced view on both the benefits and drawbacks of using mobile phones in public places.

Include an introduction and conclusion

A conclusion is essential for IELTS writing task 2. It is more important than most people realise. You will be penalised for missing a conclusion in your IELTS essay.

The easiest paragraph to write in an essay is the conclusion paragraph. This is because the paragraph mostly contains information that has already been presented in the essay – it is just the repetition of some information written in the introduction paragraph and supporting paragraphs.

The conclusion paragraph only has 3 sentences:

  • Summary
  • Restatement of thesis
  • Prediction or recommendation

Example:

To summarize, a robotic teacher does not have the necessary disciple to properly give instructions to students and actually works to retard the ability of a student to comprehend new lessons. Therefore, it is clear that the idea of running a classroom completely by a machine cannot be supported. After thorough analysis on this subject, it is predicted that the adverse effects of the debate over technology-driven teaching will always be greater than the positive effects, and because of this, classroom teachers will never be substituted for technology.

Start your conclusion with a linking phrase. Here are some examples:

  • In conclusion
  • To conclude
  • To summarize
  • Finally
  • In a nutshell
  • In general

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Topic Vocabulary:
  • Disturbance
  • Disruptive
  • Exposure
  • Eye strain
  • Face-to-face interactions
  • Social isolation
  • Hinder
  • Emergency situations
  • Quick access
  • Crucial
What to do next:
Look at other essays: