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Band 5

In many countries, young adults are engaged in some kinds of work. Some people regard this as completely wrong. Others consider it as a valuable experience, important for learning and taking responsibility. Discuss both views

#countries #adults #kinds #work #people #responsibility
Throughout the past few decades, we have been witnessing a fact that there is a
remarkeble
Correct your spelling
remarkable
 tendency among
youn
Correct your spelling
young
adults
 to engage in a paid or non-paid job.
While
 some people argue that
this
 trend
makes
Verb problem
puts
show examples
unnecessory
Correct your spelling
unnecessary
 pressure on the
the
Remove the redundancy
apply
show examples
youngs
Correct your spelling
young
show examples
, others believe that it creates a great opportunity to discover practical challenges they will face in their lives at some point. I
also
 agree that a practical involvement of
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
people who are still schooling or university education must engage in some
kinds
Fix the agreement mistake
kind
show examples
 of work because they can have a chance to experience various scenarios
that
Correct pronoun usage
apply
show examples
whenever they will deal
in
Change preposition
with in
show examples
 their adult life.
In
Change preposition
On
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one
Correct article usage
the one
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 hand, some individuals make
big
Add an article
the big
a big
show examples
 claim that young
adults
involving
Wrong verb form
involved
show examples
 in duties
beside
Replace the word
besides
show examples
 their primary educational activities are prone to catch up depression related
illness
Fix the agreement mistake
illnesses
show examples
 like anxiety.
This
kinds
Fix the agreement mistake
kind
show examples
 of mental
situations
Fix the agreement mistake
situation
show examples
 can lead to even severe breakdown
their
Change preposition
in their
show examples
 life.
Therefore
, they argue that it
Add a missing verb
is a
show examples
a
Correct article usage
the
show examples
 responsibility of
government
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the government
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 to fund
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
young
adults
 for their education if they engage in paid jobs
as a consequence
 of
lack
Correct article usage
the lack
show examples
 of self provisions for studies.
For instance
, some high schools and universities offer jobs with reasonable wages that can be used to cover the student's fees.
In
Change preposition
On
show examples
other
Correct article usage
the other
show examples
 hand, many people in
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
modern society including parents strongly trust
on
Change preposition
apply
show examples
the benefits
could
Correct pronoun usage
that could
show examples
 be taken from
works
Fix the agreement mistake
work
show examples
 which adult students engage in. They are mainly talking about the experiences that
youngs
Correct your spelling
young
show examples
 can gather from their duties.
According to
 them having these experiences can be considered as an investment that can be utilised throughout their lives. I
also
 believe the same as there are plenty of examples to justify it. Many successful individuals
such
 as Steve Jobs,
Bill
Correct word choice
and Bill
show examples
 Gates
made their
Verb problem
took
show examples
 pride
on
Change preposition
in
show examples
 the collected facts and figures from their early works. In conclusion,
Correct your spelling
even though
eventhough
Correct your spelling
even though
 we can identify that there
exists much of
Correct word choice
many
show examples
 arguments to justify both
pros
Correct article usage
the pros
show examples
 and cons of
topic
Add an article
the topic
show examples
, the more practical way that I can accept is nothing but young
adults
 must gather their capital of experiences that in return could be invested in future, via the works they engage in in their early years
Submitted by swijayakoon on

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task response
Try to refine your argumentation in order to present a more balanced discussion, delving deeper into both sides of the debate.
coherence cohesion
Pay attention to grammar, spelling, and vocabulary to avoid minor errors that could detract from overall clarity.
task response
The essay offers a clear stance on the issue, supporting it with examples.
coherence cohesion
The structure is logical, with an introduction, body paragraphs, and a conclusion.

Your opinion

Don’t put your opinion unless you are asked to give it.

If the question asks what you think, you MUST give your opinion to get a good score.

Don’t leave your opinion until the conclusion.

Here are examples of instructions that require you to give your opinion:

...do you agree or disagree?...do you think...?...your opinion...?

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