IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 5

🔶Many manufactured food and drink products contain high levels of sugar, which causes many health problems. Sugar products should be made more expensive to encourage people to consume less sugar. 🔸Do you agree or disagree?

#🔶many #food #drink #products #levels #sugar #health #people #🔸do
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Several consumables are produced rich in
sugar
, which results in health deterioration. It is believed that the
price
 of
such
products
 should be higher to
discourgae
Correct your spelling
discourage
 consumers from using more
sugar
. In my opinion, I strongly disagree with that statement, as there is
better
Add an article
a better
the better
show examples
 method to use, and
price
Correct article usage
a price
show examples
 increase would only affect the less wealthy group in society. There are several reasons why I believe making sugary foods and drinks more expensive would not solve the
problems
Fix the agreement mistake
problem
show examples
 of overconsumption. First and foremost, higher
price
Fix the agreement mistake
prices
show examples
 would only prevent the poor,
while
 the affluent people still can afford the new tags.
As a result
, the rich would still buy
such
products
 and suffer from the consequences.
Moreover
, increasing
price
Fix the agreement mistake
prices
show examples
 would widen the gap between classes in the community, in which those who are wealthy can enjoy the pleasure offered by high
level
Fix the agreement mistake
levels
show examples
 of
sugar
, as opposed to those who are from a lower socioeconomic background. That would, in fact, create more issues for society.
Furthermore
, I believe there are numerous solutions to the problems. One of
this
Correct pronoun usage
these
show examples
 would be education.
For example
, the government should promote educative
campaign
Fix the agreement mistake
campaigns
show examples
 to raise awareness of the negative
effect
Fix the agreement mistake
effects
show examples
 which overconsuming
of
Change preposition
apply
show examples
sugar
 can
cause
Verb problem
have
show examples
to
Change preposition
on
show examples
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
health.
Additionally
, schools should instill in their program
more
Correct article usage
a more
show examples
 physical curriculum to encourage active lifestyles among young children, which can help
reducing
Wrong verb form
reduce
show examples
 the detrimental influence of consuming
high calories
Correct your spelling
high-calorie
show examples
products
. In conclusion, I am not in
favor
Change the spelling
favour
show examples
 of the idea that increasing
price
Correct article usage
the price
show examples
 of high
suar
Correct your spelling
sugar
products
 can prevent customers from using them, as it would not affect those who can afford
and
Correct pronoun usage
them and
show examples
 create inequality in society.
Besides
, I think that there would be better measures which can tackle the issue more effectively.
Submitted by kimtruong270192 on

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task achievement
While your essay addresses the task and presents a clear position on the topic, certain arguments could be more developed and supported with specific examples. Expanding on the weaknesses of sugar regulation and providing statistical data could strengthen your argument.
task achievement
Ensure your main points are clearly supported with relevant evidence. This would add depth to your arguments and improve the overall quality of your response. Specific examples or studies related to sugar consumption and its impact could be very helpful.
coherence cohesion
Your essay flows well, but ensure that the transitions between ideas and paragraphs are more seamless. This helps the reader follow your arguments more easily. Consider using more transitional phrases and words to guide your reader through your essay.
coherence cohesion
There were a few grammatical errors, such as 'sugar products' should be 'sugary products' and 'overconsuming' should be 'the overconsumption'. These small errors can be distracting and can affect the clarity of your ideas.
introduction conclusion present
Your introduction is clear and concise, effectively setting the stage for your argument.
introduction conclusion present
The conclusion efficiently summarizes your main points and reiterates your stance on the topic.
logical structure
You have maintained a logical structure throughout your essay, with each paragraph focusing on a single main point.
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