IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 5

Health services are a basic necessity. However, private companies have made them quite costly for ordinary individuals. Do the advantages of private health care outweigh its disadvantages?

#health #services #necessity #companies #individuals #care
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The human population has grown rapidly in the
last
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 couple of decades, which created a demand for health
services
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. It resulted in the appearance of private medical facilities charging big money for their
services
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.
Although
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this
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 trend has some drawbacks, pricing being one of them,
nevertheless
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 there are
also
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 benefits,
such
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 as
high quality
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high-quality
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 service and client orientation. Emerging of
the
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apply
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private
hospitals
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 has brought significant negative changes
,
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apply
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 since it has become commercial. The owners of these
clinics
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 are oriented not only to provide healthcare but
also
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 to increase their revenue. Equipment development is implanted with the sheer purpose of charging more money through promoting ineffective procedures,
such
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 as oxygen masks, which
clinics
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 add to the mandatory treatment package.
Additionally
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, it's not a rare instance when these establishments are not being properly controlled by the government,
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that
Correct pronoun usage
which
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 is why there is a risk of being examined or even
mis-diagnosed
Correct your spelling
misdiagnosed
 by non-licensed doctors.
However
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, there are
much
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many
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 more advantages
in
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to
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 developing private healthcare
services
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.
Thus
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, non-government
hospitals
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 often set up high-developed modern gadgets, which help in diagnosing or treating their patients more effectively than in state health institutes.
Moreover
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, private
hospitals
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 are open for patients day and night, so if a person had a sharp pain, they would be examined immediately without standing in long lines.
And the
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The
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last
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 but not
the
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apply
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least
is that
Verb problem
,
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clinics
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 can provide medical
services
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 for everyone who
seek
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seeks
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 it despite
person’s
Correct article usage
the person’s
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 location. Public
hospitals
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 require
a
Correct article usage
the
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 citizenship of a certain country or even a region, without which a person might not be able to be treated as quickly as
it
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apply
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possible.
While
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 being in another country, everyone can seek
for
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apply
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a
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apply
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medical help at any time they want.
Overall
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, despite several possible drawbacks of treatment in private
clinics
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, I believe, that its pros outweigh the cons. The ability
of being
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to be
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 examined anywhere by using advanced technologies greatly overrides potential disadvantages,
such
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 as overpriced or ineffective procedures.
Submitted by staciia_ju on

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task achievement
The essay provides a complete response to the task by addressing both the advantages and disadvantages of private healthcare. However, ensure each point is expanded with more specific examples and detailed explanations.
coherence cohesion
To enhance coherence, ensure smooth transitions between sentences and paragraphs. This will help in maintaining a logical flow and better connection between your ideas.
coherence cohesion
Supporting main points with more concrete examples and specific details would improve the overall analytical depth of the essay.
coherence cohesion
The essay has a clear introduction and conclusion, framing the response well and giving it a structured presentation.
task achievement
The task is fully addressed, with both advantages and disadvantages discussed sufficiently.

Support ideas with relevant, specific examples

Examples make your writing easier to understand by illustrating points more effectively.

Examples, if used properly, not only help you get higher marks for ‘Task Response’ but also for ‘Coherence’.

When giving examples it is best to put them after your main idea or topic sentence. They can be used in the middle of supporting sentences or they can be used to start a new sentence. There is no rule for where exactly to give examples in essays, logically they would come after your main idea/topic sentence or just after a supporting sentence.

Linking words for giving examples:

  • for example
  • for instance
  • to illustrate this
  • to give a clear example
  • such as
  • namely
  • to illustrate
  • take, for example

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Topic Vocabulary:
  • cutting-edge technology
  • highly skilled professionals
  • patient experience
  • outcomes
  • personalized care
  • healthcare practitioners
  • competition
  • standards
  • government burden
  • public funds
  • prohibitively expensive
  • disparities
  • profitability
  • over-treatment
  • neglect
  • non-profitable cases
  • ethical concerns
  • financial status
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