In many countries children are engaged in some kind of paid work. Some people regard this as completely wrong, while others consider it as valuable work experience, important for learning and taking responsibility. What are your opinion on this?

In
this
globalization era, child labour become ubiquitous in some countries,
espesially
Correct your spelling
especially
in development countries.
While
proponent
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proponents
show examples
argue that working is positive for their
experienced
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experience
show examples
, others contend full time is totally inappropriate. I personally wholeheartedly agree
to
Change preposition
with
show examples
the latter, but I will discuss either
view points
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viewpoint
show examples
and elaborate my
thought
Fix the agreement mistake
thoughts
show examples
on the matter. On the
first
Correct word choice
other
show examples
hand, the proponents reckon that occupation for children will aid them to gain knowledge in professional
work
rather than
teoritical
Correct your spelling
theoretical
lesson at school. For
this
reasons
Fix the agreement mistake
reason
show examples
, they will
ready
Add a missing verb
be ready
show examples
to
work
and understand the implementation of
class
Add an article
the class
show examples
learning module.
However
, I personally consider that
this
scheme will only run properly
in
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at
show examples
university
Correct article usage
the university
show examples
level and only
limited
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be limited
show examples
to
Correct article usage
the internsip
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internsip
Correct your spelling
internship
internships
level, since they
was
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were
show examples
already
equiped
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equipped
with teoritical professional
skill
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skills
show examples
.
In contrast
, for
student
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students
show examples
,
elementary
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in elementary
show examples
to senior high school, it is not
neccessarily
Correct your spelling
necessarily
imperative for them since
they
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their
show examples
current
goals
Fix the agreement mistake
goal
show examples
was
Wrong verb form
is
show examples
to join college.
Furthermore
, allowing youngsters to
work
can lead
into
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to
show examples
many
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much
show examples
worse
problem
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problems
show examples
, including exploitation, safety
issue
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issues
show examples
, and study
distraction
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distractions
show examples
for them.
Beside
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Besides
show examples
stealing their childhood era,
hardworks
Correct your spelling
hard work
hard works
at
office
Correct article usage
an office
show examples
or factory will make juveniles exhausted and distract their focus in school. Simultaneously, stress at
work
would
provide
Verb problem
have
show examples
detrimental
Add an article
a detrimental
show examples
effect on their growth phase. Since kids are not mature yet and
have
Unnecessary verb
apply
show examples
lack
of
Change preposition
apply
show examples
experience, they
also
pose a risk regarding
dangerous
Replace the word
danger
show examples
and safety
issue
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issues
show examples
,
specificly
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specifically
if they
working
Wrong verb form
work
show examples
in
physical
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a physical
show examples
job
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jobs
show examples
or manufacturing
processes
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process
show examples
.
To sum up
, I firmly
believed
Wrong verb form
believe
show examples
that working for
child
Add an article
the child
show examples
, beyond internship
in
Change preposition
at
show examples
the university level, should be entirely prohibited considering their growth era and
a
Correct article usage
the
show examples
risk attributed to that.
Government
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Governments
show examples
, especially in
third world
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third-world
show examples
countries, should
be stand
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stand
show examples
againts
Correct your spelling
against
child labour and create
a
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
robust regulation.
Submitted by epindonta02 on

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language
Try to work on the grammatical accuracy and spelling in your essay. Some frequent mistakes such as 'globalization era,' 'espesially,' 'proponent,' 'teoritical,' 'internsip,' 'equiped,' 'neccessarily,' 'current goals was,' 'detrimental effect,' 'risk regarding dangerous and safety issue,' and 'third world countries' should be corrected to 'globalization era,' 'especially,' 'proponents,' 'theoretical,' 'internship,' 'equipped,' 'necessarily,' 'current goals were,' 'detrimental effects,' 'risk regarding danger and safety issues,' and 'developing countries' respectively.
content
Expand on specific examples or references to relevant studies or statistics. Your essay would be stronger if it included more concrete examples to support your points, rather than making broad generalized statements.
coherence
You present both sides of the argument well in the introduction and provide a logical structure that guides the reader through your reasoning.
task response
Your conclusion effectively sums up your arguments and reinforces your viewpoint.

Essentional vocabulary list for IELTS Writing 7+

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Topic Vocabulary:
  • Child labor
  • Exploitation
  • Minimum age
  • Work experience
  • Survival
  • Taking responsibility
  • Education
  • Poverty
  • Legal restrictions
  • Physical toll
  • Psychological impact
  • Cultural perceptions
  • International conventions
  • Economic impact
  • Work-study programs
  • Skilled labor
  • Unskilled labor
  • Developing economies
  • Moral implications
  • Professional development
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