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Band 5

The percentage of overweight children in western society has increased by almost 20% in the last 10 years. Discuss the cause and effects of this disturbing trend

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Nowadays, obesity in
western
Capitalize word
Western
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 nations has
been
Unnecessary verb
apply
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increased
by
Change preposition
among by
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 teenagers more than 20% in the
last
Linking Words
 decade. In the forthcoming paragraphs, I shall elaborate on the reasons and discuss what the side effects are.
Firstly
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, it is obvious that fast
foods
Use synonyms
,
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 and
high calorie
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high-calorie
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 dishes are the most important reason why
people
Use synonyms
 are fatter than before.
In other words
Linking Words
, the younger generations have changed their lifestyle in terms of more comfortable recipes
due to
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 preparation.
Secondly
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, youngsters have
less
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fewer
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 movements compared to before.
Thus
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,
it
Correct pronoun usage
they
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 would gain
their
Correct pronoun usage
apply
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weight, and it would not be helpful to their health.
For example
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, in the USA, some
people
Use synonyms
 tend to eat more junk
foods
Use synonyms
, as it is more convenient for cooking
due to
Linking Words
 time management.
On the other hand
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, if we usually use processed
foods
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, they will hurt our physical fitness.
In other words
Linking Words
, it will not be helpful to our
body
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bodies
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, and it can cause
of
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apply
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diseases,
such
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 as cancer, and high blood pressure.
Moreover
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, it will threaten general hygiene, as it has enough potential to decrease well-being in terms of higher rates of heart attacks. So, it would be a great idea if we monitored food industries by some restrictive actions
,
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apply
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 since they have added
a huge amounts
Correct the article-noun agreement
a huge amount
huge amounts
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 of artificial
sweetener
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sweeteners
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 to their products.
For instance
Linking Words
, in India, some corps industries prefer to add natural additives to their manufacturing in terms of controlling blood pressure
,
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apply
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 and supporting the government for a better approach
due to
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 constructive hygiene management. In conclusion,
it is clear that
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 fast
foods
Use synonyms
,
Remove the comma
apply
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 and fizzy drinks are the most important reason why
people
Use synonyms
 are fatter than before.
Also
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, their recipe is another cause that persuades
the
Correct article usage
apply
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people
Use synonyms
 to eat them, as it is easier to make them.
Moreover
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, it will increase the number of individuals who have been infected by high blood pressure and heart
attack
Fix the agreement mistake
attacks
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.

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task achievement
Try to include more specific examples to support your arguments. This will make your essay stronger and more convincing.
coherence cohesion
Ensure that your ideas flow smoothly from one to another. Using more linking words and phrases can help improve the logical structure of your essay.
introduction conclusion present
Your introduction clearly sets out the topic and the purpose of the essay, which is very good.
logical structure
You have provided a logical structure with a clear introduction, body paragraphs, and conclusion.
supported main points
The main points are supported and explained well, although they could be backed up by more specific examples.

Answer the 'Problem and Solution' topic

Problem-and-solution essays fall naturally into two parts, the first describing and exploring the problem, the second setting out the solution or solutions.

You essay structure should look something like this:

  • Introduction
  • Body paragraph 1 – Problems
  • Body paragraph 2 – Solutions
  • Conclusion

Examples to start your body paragraph:

  • One of the first problems of the...
  • Another problem that needs to be considered...
  • A possible solution to this problem would be...
  • One immediate practical solution is to...

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