IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 5.5

Some people think that museums should be enjoyable places to entertain people, while others believe that the purpose of museums is to educate. Discuss both views and give you own opinion.

#people #museums #places #purpose
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People
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 have different views about whether
museums
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 should tend to become amusement places for their
visitors
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instead
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 of keeping the education task as their primary purpose. In
this
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 essay, I will discuss both sides of the argument and provide my opinion that
museums
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 should balance education and
entertainment
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 at the same time. There are some advantages for
museums
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 that value interaction and
entertainment
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. First and foremost, it will noticeably increase
museum
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visitors
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. Most
people
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 go to
museums
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 during their vacation. If the
museum
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 could offer an interesting experience, the
visitors
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 would obtain a relaxing trip, which would
attracts
Change the verb form
attract
show examples
 more
people
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come
Verb problem
apply
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to the
museum
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 and bring
a
Correct article usage
apply
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considerable profits which is beneficial for running the
museum
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.
Additionally
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, visiting
museums
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 is different from going to amusement parks and movie
theaters
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theatres
show examples
,
museums
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 are not only for fun but
also
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 provide numerous useful
knowledges
Fix the agreement mistake
knowledge
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. If
museums
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 improve their
entertainment
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 service,
people
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 who spend their time in
museums
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 will have a memorable and meaningful experience.
However
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, there are still some
people
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 who hold the notion that the primary purpose of
museums
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 is education.
Firstly
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, a
museum
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 is a place where a lot of science, historical and art
artifacts
Change the spelling
artefacts
show examples
 are exhibited, the main purpose is knowledge dissemination.
Hence
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,
museums
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 should teach
people
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 accurate knowledge about various aspects of their lives. Once
museums
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 are involved in amusement it will lose accuracy.
Secondly
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,
museums
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 relate to cultural preservation.
For example
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, most historical
museums
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 preserve abundant and valuable antique works of art, those things need a proper environment and
quiet
Correct article usage
a quiet
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 serious place to protect them. Displaying ancient unique artifacts should avoid excessive
entertainment
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. In conclusion, despite the fact that
museums
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 are serious places
where
Correct word choice
that
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 display a variety of valuable and meaningful
artifacts
Change the spelling
artefacts
show examples
 and provide plentiful knowledge, they should
also
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concern
Wrong verb form
be concerned
show examples
 about commercial profit and offer a better experience for their
visitors
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.
Therefore
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, in my
opinion
Add a comma
opinion,
show examples
 the best way to manage
museums
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 is to balance entertaining and educating the public together.
Submitted by duzirong on

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task achievement
Consider providing more specific examples to strengthen your arguments. This will help in making your essay more convincing and relatable.
coherence cohesion
While your essay is generally well-structured, make sure to make the transitions between paragraphs even smoother. Using transitional phrases can enhance the flow of your essay.
task achievement
The essay provides a balanced discussion of both perspectives, which is essential for this type of task.
coherence cohesion
There is a clear introduction and conclusion, which helps in framing the essay effectively.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

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