IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 5

Many people think that every individual is responsible for their happiness, but some people believe that there are other external factors that influence us. Discuss both views and give your own oppinion

#people #happiness #factors #influence #oppinion
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Nowadays, the scale of happiness changed.
This
 happens
due to
 the changes in the world and a lot of substances integrated, which can affect our emotions.
Nevertheless
, a diverse range of individuals assume that everyone is aware of his emotions,
While
 others believe that external reasons can impact them. In
this
 essay, I will elaborate on both views, and I will demonstrate my opinion. To commence with, an array of individuals are swift to anger. They can get mad in angry
with
Change preposition
for
show examples
 no reason.
Thus
, the mood around the nearby circle will affected too.
For example
, new research from Cairo University illustrated that the smoker Egyotian are out of the mood when they wake up or during fasting,
as a result
 of they did not have their cigarette yet.
In addition
, smokers want to have their normal dose of nicotine to feel better and complete the day.
Moreover
, parents can be mot happy
due to
 the dearth of
sleeping
Replace the word
sleep
show examples
. They are unable to sleep
becauseof
Correct your spelling
because of
 a new baby and babies are crying.
Hence
, they can not have sufficient sleep.
Furthermore
, new commitments have been added to
citizens
 recently.
This
 made a lot of them are struggling and can not endure the situation.
For example
, a study from Chigaco University demonstrated the proportion of individuals affected by inflation in the USA. The numbers showed that about half of the population is not satisfied. Moving
further
, the high bills
such
 as
,
Remove the comma
apply
show examples
 electricity, gas, education and water made people work more shifts.
This
 made them not allowed to stay with their family or have leisure time to rest. In conclusion, I believe that countries can learn from the UAE government. They hired a minister who was responsible for making the
citizens
 ecstatic.
This
 strategy made the
citizens
 at
peak
Correct article usage
the peak
show examples
 of the satisfied people around the world. The government should stand with the
citizens
 and provide more wages and compensation for their people.
Submitted by mohannadsme on

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task response
The essay addresses the topic but can benefit from a clearer thesis statement in the introduction; specify both views more explicitly and indicate the stance more clearly.
task response
Some examples provided are relevant but require clearer links to the main points being discussed. Ensure that each supporting idea directly reinforces the argument being made.
coherence cohesion
Logical development of ideas can be improved; consider using clearer transitions to connect your thoughts. This will help the reader follow your argument more easily.
coherence cohesion
Try to use topic sentences to clarify the main idea of each paragraph. This will make your arguments easier to follow and enhance the overall structure of the essay.
task response
Proofread to correct minor grammatical errors and improve sentence structure; this will make your essay more polished.
task response
Your essay has a clear introduction and conclusion, which provides a good framework for your discussion.
task response
You have included relevant examples to support your points, which adds depth to your argument.
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