In some countries, children are often told that they can achieve anything if they try hard enough. What are the advantages and disadvantages of giving children this messages?

In all time of
history
Add a comma
history,
show examples
perants
Correct your spelling
parents
words had a huge impact on their children. So, some argue that the kids must be told and
tought
Correct your spelling
taught
thought
that they can not live
in
Change preposition
apply
show examples
their perfect dreams, and they will give up on that,
while
others
belive
Correct your spelling
believe
show examples
that they can be told that they can achieve their targets as long as
the
Correct your spelling
they
show examples
put an
enourmes
Correct your spelling
enormous
effort in it. In
this
essay
Add a comma
essay,
show examples
I will discuss both ideas and will draw my personal conclusion. On the first hand, the thought that they will not reach their desirable dreams, taking from their children
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
hope and
smack
Wrong verb form
smacking
show examples
them with the cruel reality, for that significant reason parents fear that their
off spring
Correct your spelling
offspring
show examples
will suffer what they suffer at the beginning of their journey on their
lifes
Correct your spelling
lives
show examples
.
For example
, the father who dreamt
with
Change preposition
of
show examples
being a football player, a very famous and ambitious one, when he went to the
try outs
Correct your spelling
tryouts
show examples
and faced the corruption of the football clubs, excepting only the players who are related to wealthy families, the father dream
evaporaited
Correct your spelling
evaporated
in the sky, the father does not want
this
stuation
Correct your spelling
situation
happens to his child again. So for that important
reason
Add a comma
reason,
show examples
some believe that
this
a
Add a missing verb
is a
show examples
strong
argue
Replace the word
argument
show examples
to support
this
thought.
On the other hand
, some argue that they can tell their small ones that they can reach
desire
Correct pronoun usage
their desire
show examples
,
the
Correct word choice
and the
show examples
key
for
Change preposition
to
show examples
that success is hard
work
and
disciplined
Replace the word
discipline
show examples
.
For example
, if the person wanted to be a
business man
Correct your spelling
businessman
show examples
, a famous and wealthy one, of
course
Add the comma(s)
course,
show examples
he should go to university and
acheive
Correct your spelling
achieve
high grades, open their private business, and never quit working,
this
is a pure example of hard
work
, most people who target their goals but do not
work
,
this
stuation
Correct your spelling
situation
their goals are called dreams, and they can keep dreaming as long as the is no
work
.
fot
Correct your spelling
For
this
reason they believe that
the
Correct your spelling
they
show examples
can
success
Replace the word
succeed
show examples
.
In addition
, they
also
must keep in their mind that it will not
easy
Add a missing verb
be easy
show examples
to reach the top,
moreover
, it is even more
diffcult
Correct your spelling
difficult
to stay on top. To illustrate, if a person wanted to be
labeld
Correct your spelling
labelled
as a successful man, it
will
Wrong verb form
would
show examples
not be as easy as it said to them.
This
proves clearly that
this
argue
Replace the word
argument
show examples
has
eveidnce
Correct your spelling
evidence
that everything is
acheivable
Correct your spelling
achievable
. In conclusion, after a
carful
Correct your spelling
careful
show examples
analysis of both
point
Fix the agreement mistake
points
show examples
Change preposition
of views
show examples
views
Fix the agreement mistake
view
show examples
, I believe that
eveyrhing
Correct your spelling
everything
is possible, if you have the mentality and the determination for it,
in addition
of
Change preposition
to
show examples
the enormous effort given.
Submitted by farissaadksa on

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Writing9 with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

task achievement
Ensure that your introduction is clear and concise. The opening sentence is wordy and somewhat confusing, which can make it hard for readers to grasp your main point quickly. Simplifying this would help in making a stronger initial impression.
coherence cohesion
Your essay contains several grammatical and spelling errors, such as 'perants' instead of 'parents,' 'enourmes' instead of 'enormous,' and 'fot' instead of 'for.' Proofreading your work or using a spell-check tool could improve your score significantly.
coherence cohesion
Your essay lacks a clear thesis statement that outlines the main points you will discuss. Including one would strengthen the logical structure and give readers a roadmap of your argument.
task achievement
Both viewpoints are discussed, but the examples provided are not entirely relevant or clear. Adding more specific and relevant examples would strengthen your argument and improve task achievement.
task achievement
While your conclusion presents your personal viewpoint, it could be more strongly tied to the points discussed in the body of your essay to provide a comprehensive wrap-up.
task achievement
Your willingness to explore both sides of the argument is commendable. This balanced approach is crucial for a well-rounded essay.
coherence cohesion
The paragraph structure generally helps in organizing your thoughts logically, making it easier for the reader to follow your argument.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »— a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

You are not ready for IELTS Speaking, if you

  • Can’t speak smoothly without pauses.
  • Use simple words and lack vocabulary.
  • Feel nervous and anxious when speaking.
What to do next:
Look at other essays:

Essentional vocabulary list for IELTS Writing 7+

Learn how to write high-scoring essays with powerful words.
Download Free PDF and start improving you writing skills today!