IELTS Writing Correction Service /
Writing Samples /
Band 6.5

Atomic energy is becoming more and more popular energy source. However, some people argue that nuclear power puts life on the Earth to danger. What is your opinion?

#energy #source #people #power #life #earth #danger
One
 of the new and popular sources of
energy
 is Atomic source. Atomic
energy
 can put all the
countries
 in danger.
This
 essay totally agrees with
this
 idea because nuclear power can lead to serious environmental problems and can cause the killing of
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
citizens. Nuclear
energy
 is
one
 of the most common causes of destroying the
world
's environment. Building nuclear
energy
 requires some toxic materials and during the building, it will release a lot of carbon dioxide.Nuclear
energy
 requires a large space of empty land for building, in some
countries
, it is required to cut some trees to build it and that will slow down the process of transforming carbon dioxide
to
Change preposition
into
show examples
 oxygen.
For example
, in Japan, they cut a huge amount of trees to build atomic
energy
 which leads to an increasing the carbon dioxide rate in
this
city
, and some of the animals were dead because of the toxic substances which were used in building it. Another reason why nuclear power is dangerous for the
world
,
Remove the comma
apply
show examples
 is that atomic
energy
 causes a lot of death in some
countries
. Nuclear
energy
 works with dangerous and toxic chemical substances and to produce the
energy
 the workers should put in the chemicals, just breathing
this
 chemical the human can melt.
Furthermore
, making small mistakes can cause a huge exploding, the exploding can destroy a whole country and a large number of people will die and families will break down.
For example
, in Russia,
one
 of their Atomic
energy
 exploded and the
city
 was dead from humans, animals, and plants, the
city
 was toxic and no
one
 could enter the
city
 for 3 years because of the pollution in the
city
 and the huge amount of harmful rays. In conclusion, Nuclear
energy
 is a dangerous source of
energy
 for the
world
. It can cause for lot of bad things like the death of the people. I,
therefore
, believe that
countries
 should not use
this
 type of
energy
 because of its harmful effects on the
world
 especially in the environment and the population.
Submitted by msharyhashem on

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Writing9 with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

coherence cohesion
Work on refining sentences to avoid repetition. For example, "can" is used frequently which can be made less repetitive by using synonyms or rephrasing.
coherence cohesion
Consider incorporating more varied sentence structures to improve the essay's coherence and readability.
task achievement
Further elaborate on the points made to present a more comprehensive argument. This includes adding more detailed explanations and diverse examples where applicable.
task achievement
Ensure all sections of the essay are equally developed for a more balanced and thorough argument.
coherence cohesion
The essay has a clear and logical structure, with a well-defined introduction and conclusion.
task achievement
Points are supported with relevant and specific examples, which strengthen the argument.

Include an introduction and conclusion

A conclusion is essential for IELTS writing task 2. It is more important than most people realise. You will be penalised for missing a conclusion in your IELTS essay.

The easiest paragraph to write in an essay is the conclusion paragraph. This is because the paragraph mostly contains information that has already been presented in the essay – it is just the repetition of some information written in the introduction paragraph and supporting paragraphs.

The conclusion paragraph only has 3 sentences:

  • Summary
  • Restatement of thesis
  • Prediction or recommendation

Example:

To summarize, a robotic teacher does not have the necessary disciple to properly give instructions to students and actually works to retard the ability of a student to comprehend new lessons. Therefore, it is clear that the idea of running a classroom completely by a machine cannot be supported. After thorough analysis on this subject, it is predicted that the adverse effects of the debate over technology-driven teaching will always be greater than the positive effects, and because of this, classroom teachers will never be substituted for technology.

Start your conclusion with a linking phrase. Here are some examples:

  • In conclusion
  • To conclude
  • To summarize
  • Finally
  • In a nutshell
  • In general

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »— a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

Topic Vocabulary:
  • Nuclear fission
  • Radioactive
  • Renewable energy
  • Decommissioning
  • Greenhouse gases
  • Emissions
  • Waste management
  • Energy security
  • Sustainable
  • Meltdown
  • Containment
  • Half-life
  • Nuclear proliferation
  • Clean energy
  • Risk assessment
  • Safety protocols
  • Energy crisis
  • Ecological footprint
  • Natural disaster
  • Energy transition
What to do next:
Look at other essays: