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Writing Samples
Band 5

All parent want the best opportunities for their children. There are some people who think that schools should teach children skills but others think having a range of subjects is better for a child’s future

#parent #opportunities #children #people #schools #skills #range #subjects #child’s #future
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This
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debates
Correct subject-verb agreement
debate
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whether
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about whether
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 today's curriculum needs to enrich real-life
skills
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 or not has several serious arguments from opposite angles. Some people claim that
children
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 should learn more
theoretic
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theoretical
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 knowledge in school,
while
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 I believe gaining some
skills
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 is more facilitative for
children
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's
future
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. It is undeniable that parents are increasingly concerned with a
future
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 professional career and the current educational path for their
children
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,
due to
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 some people's demand to add more subjects to school programs. One of the essential reasons for
this
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 opinion is that labour market requests have a rising trend in
a
Correct article usage
the
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 professional field.
For example
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, today's employee has to know the usage of artificial intelligence in their field if they want to occupy a prestige position and guarantee their job which is why
this
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 demand has not appeared until about past 2 years.
In addition
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,
children
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 have had habits with the internet and the virtual world in the early period of their lives, distinctly today's adults, and they have a more extended capacity for learning contemporary knowledge.
Nevertheless
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, the arguments above are advisable, there are several satisfactory facts that it is better to teach
children
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 useful
skills
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.
Firstly
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,
children
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 have less time for their hobbies and rest nowadays, the reason for learning more theoretical knowledge in school is that
this
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 reality results in more attention deficit disorder and hyperactivity among
children
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.
Secondly
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, it is
scientific
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a scientific
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 fact
games
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that games
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 and physical activity play a leading role
for
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in
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 brain development
which
Correct pronoun usage
apply
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we can encourage
this
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 by adding some real-life
skills
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 to the curriculum. Japon is one example of a country that has taken
this
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 action: Pupils clean classes themselves. By
such
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 primitive habit, Japanese teach pupils discipline and labour which are both
skills
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 that are vital for success in
future
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 life. In conclusion, it is true that for
future
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 success
children
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 need to learn more subjects, but it is more important to integrate valuable
skills
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 into the curriculum for a balanced life between mental and bodily health and a brilliant career path.
Submitted by i.nureddinn on

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task achievement
While your essay effectively addresses both sides of the argument, it's important to maintain balance and clarity throughout. The introduction briefly mentions the debate but could be clearer in outlining the main arguments you will make. Aim for a clear thesis statement that sets up your argument clearly.
coherence cohesion
Ensure each paragraph has a clear main idea and that your essay has a logical structure. Some arguments, like the discussion of AI and internet habits, can be more tightly connected to the central claim. Consider using more transitional phrases to guide the reader through your points smoothly.
coherence cohesion
Watch out for minor language errors and awkward phrasing as these can disrupt the flow of your essay. For example, 'distinctly today's adults' could be clearer if phrased as 'unlike today's adults.' Reading your essay out loud can help catch and correct these issues.
task achievement
Try to clarify and develop your main points further, for instance, the paragraph on Japanese schools is a valuable example but could be expanded to explain more thoroughly how it relates to both skill development and theoretical learning.
task achievement
Your essay demonstrates a strong understanding of the topic and effectively discusses both viewpoints. The use of specific examples, such as Japanese schools and the need for knowledge about AI, enriches your argument.
coherence cohesion
The conclusion effectively summarizes your viewpoints and provides a thoughtful perspective on the subject, emphasizing a balanced approach between skill development and theoretical learning.

Your opinion

Don’t put your opinion unless you are asked to give it.

If the question asks what you think, you MUST give your opinion to get a good score.

Don’t leave your opinion until the conclusion.

Here are examples of instructions that require you to give your opinion:

...do you agree or disagree?...do you think...?...your opinion...?

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