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Band 4.5

Some people think that Zoo's are all cruel and should be closed down. Others, however believe that zoo can be useful in protecting wild animals. discuss both views and give your opinion.

#people #zoo #animals
The speaking
Correct article usage
Speaking
show examples
 about
this
 topic is
a
Change the article
apply
show examples
controversial , some folks believe it is useful
while
other
Fix the agreement mistake
others
show examples
 say not, in
this
 essay, I shall elaborate on ,
also
 I shall reveal my point of view
Change preposition
on
show examples
according
Add the preposition
according to
show examples
this
 topic.
To begin
 with, the notion of
presence
Correct article usage
a presence
show examples
Zoo
, inside the city may form a dangerous place ,
hence
, the wild
animal
Fix the agreement mistake
animals
show examples
 there may run away from the cage
,
Correct word choice
and, consequently
show examples
consequently
,
will
Verb problem
apply
show examples
threaten the people and
child
Fix the agreement mistake
children
show examples
 who are in it.
Secondly
,
according to
 the freedom concept,
this
 prisoned creature had modified to live in the jungles ,
furthermore
, they
prevented
Add a missing verb
were prevented
show examples
 from their desire
in hunting
Change preposition
to hunt
show examples
,
thus
, may stimulate the fury and brutality inside them.
For example
:
in
Change preposition
apply
show examples
10 years ago the news announced that a lion inside the cage cut the baby girl off
while
 she was feeding the lion.
Additionally
, numerous
of
Change preposition
apply
show examples
people have a panic attack from
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
wild
animals
as a result
, they don't prefer the idea of
presence
Correct pronoun usage
their presence
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them
Correct pronoun usage
apply
show examples
.
On the other hand
,
it is clear that
to
Verb problem
apply
show examples
say
Zoo
 is an entertainment place ;
therefore
,
human kind
Correct your spelling
humankind
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 use it as a land of recreation with their families
as a result
, to enable their children to see the
animals
 and recognize them.
As well as
,
Remove the comma
apply
show examples
 they enjoy with time
moreover
, they
also
 can discover how is the animal behaviour. Like how the monkey
jumping
Replace the word
jumps
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, and the lion
roar
Fix the agreement mistake
roars
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, etc.
According to
 my opinion, I wholeheartedly concur with the concept of
presence
Correct article usage
the presence
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Zoo especially
Rephrase
zoo
show examples
,
with
Rephrase
especially with
show examples
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
full security and a
save
Replace the word
safe
show examples
 distance between the visitors and the wild
animals
thus
,
decreases
Wrong verb form
thus decreasing
show examples
 the risk and
forbidden
Wrong verb form
forbidding
show examples
 it. In a nutshell,
this
 topic has a controversial issue, some folks proponent the idea of
presence
Correct article usage
a presence
show examples
Zoo
.
while
other opponent
Change the wording
another opponent
other opponents
show examples
 to it,
hence
, it has
a
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
pron
Correct your spelling
pros
show examples
 and cons. And
overall
, it should be
secured
Replace the word
secure
show examples
 enough to protect the lives of people
as well as
animals
.
Submitted by sarah.baghdad20 on

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task achievement
Try to further develop your arguments with more detailed examples and supporting points.
task achievement
Work on improving sentence structure and grammar to enhance clarity and readability.
coherence cohesion
Ensure a consistent use of tenses throughout the essay to maintain coherence.
task achievement
You have provided a well-rounded discussion of both views on the topic.
coherence cohesion
Your essay has a clear introduction and conclusion, aiding overall coherence.
coherence cohesion
You have presented logical main points that contribute to the essay’s structure.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

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