Childood obesity is an increasing problem in Australia as many as two thirds of children are now obese. Schools have a responsilbility to monitor what their students eat and the amount of exercise they do. To what extend do you agree to this statement?

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well
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well,
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the
schools
can
monitorthe
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monitor
kids
while
they are in
schools
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school
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but outside of
schools
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school
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the
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they
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can't. I think
this
could help but it falls on the parents and how
the
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they
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raise
thier chidern
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their children
to be more aware of the food choices they make. I think
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this
tihs
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this is
where the
schools
come in to raise
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awareness
awarenes
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awareness
a
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apply
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about what foods they
choice
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and
helping
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the parents to make smart
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choices
choises
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choices
Submitted by mo0918356 on

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task achievement
Your response touches on the key points—that schools can monitor children during school hours and that parents play a crucial role in children's diet and exercise. However, the ideas need to be more clearly developed and supported with specific examples.
coherence cohesion
Ensure that your essay has a clear structure, including an introduction, body paragraphs, and a conclusion. At the moment, the response feels more like a collection of thoughts rather than a structured argument.
coherence cohesion
Use linking words and phrases to connect your ideas and give your writing better flow. This will help improve the logical structure of your essay and make it easier to understand.
task achievement
Take the time to revise your work for spelling, grammar, and punctuation errors. Some words are misspelled, and there are some grammatical inaccuracies. Improving on these details will make your essay clearer and more professional.
task achievement
The essay shows an understanding that both schools and parents have responsibilities in addressing childhood obesity.

Include an introduction and conclusion

A conclusion is essential for IELTS writing task 2. It is more important than most people realise. You will be penalised for missing a conclusion in your IELTS essay.

The easiest paragraph to write in an essay is the conclusion paragraph. This is because the paragraph mostly contains information that has already been presented in the essay – it is just the repetition of some information written in the introduction paragraph and supporting paragraphs.

The conclusion paragraph only has 3 sentences:

  • Summary
  • Restatement of thesis
  • Prediction or recommendation

Example:

To summarize, a robotic teacher does not have the necessary disciple to properly give instructions to students and actually works to retard the ability of a student to comprehend new lessons. Therefore, it is clear that the idea of running a classroom completely by a machine cannot be supported. After thorough analysis on this subject, it is predicted that the adverse effects of the debate over technology-driven teaching will always be greater than the positive effects, and because of this, classroom teachers will never be substituted for technology.

Start your conclusion with a linking phrase. Here are some examples:

  • In conclusion
  • To conclude
  • To summarize
  • Finally
  • In a nutshell
  • In general

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Topic Vocabulary:
  • monitor
  • responsibility
  • nutrition
  • physical activities
  • primary responsibility
  • complement
  • mandatory
  • limiting
  • availability
  • junk food
  • canteens
  • collaborative efforts
  • comprehensive approach
  • limitations
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