IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 5

Some people think that family has the most powerful influence on a child’s development, while others think that other factors such as television, friend, music have the biggest effects. Discuss both views and give your opinion?

#people #influence #child’s #development #factors #television #friend #music #effects
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Multiple
under-age
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underage
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 criminal accidents are ubiquitous across many regions, indicating unsuitable
children
Change noun form
children's
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 development.
According to
this
 issue,
while
 some advocate
house hold
Correct your spelling
household
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 is the largest factor that tailored kids' traits, others argue that their daily circumstances are the most significant causes. Considering
former
Correct article usage
the former
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 contention, I personally believe both factors contribute to juveniles' characters and will elaborate my
view points
Correct your spelling
viewpoints
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 on the matter.
Firstly
, family is the first place where children retrieve
a
Correct article usage
apply
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knowledge as a reference to do something. Since youngsters have coping mechanisms, they would reckon their
parents
Change to a genitive case
parent's
parents'
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 behaviours are right.
For instance
, if an adultery person
consume
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consumes
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 junk beverages around, adolescents would be wondering to attempt it and end with unhealthy lifestyles. For
this
reasons
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reason
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, I suggest that as
a
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apply
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mature persons, who are responsible and mindful, we have to exhibit
a
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apply
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proper
behavior
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behaviour
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 for kids,
thus
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so thus
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 they will grow in the right manner.
Secondly
, environment and habits, whether in the long or short term, will gradually affect one's life, including children. To be exact,
a child
Fix the agreement mistake
children
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, who spend their time most to watch
gamer's
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gamers'
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youtube
Correct your spelling
YouTube
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 channel, will
eager
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be eager
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 to become a content creator in the future. In
the
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a
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 similar way, juveniles are easily drawn by their peers, whether in
positive
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a positive
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 or detrimental way.
For instance
, when
a
Correct the article-noun agreement
apply
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youngsters live in a sporty friendship, they will
also
 invited to the team to play together. Analysing these tendencies, concerning under-age daily activities and
circle
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circles
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 are imperative.
To sum up
,
while
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apply
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it back to the
child
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child's
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 decision
at
Change preposition
in
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 the end. both perspectives, which are aforementioned before, have
powerful
Add an article
a powerful
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 influence
to
Change preposition
on
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child's
Correct article usage
a child's
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 growth.
Subsequently
,
thus
 as a mature
person
Add a comma
person,
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 we
positioned
Wrong verb form
position
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 our kids in the right
circumstance
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circumstances
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 and show
a
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apply
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positive behaviours
are
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that are
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 really essential
,
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apply
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 so that the youngsters will thrive properly.
Submitted by epindonta02 on

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coherence cohesion
Ensure to present a clear and well-organized structure with a logical progression of ideas. Each paragraph should address a specific point or argument and smoothly transition to the next. Improve transitions between paragraphs to make the essay more cohesive.
coherence cohesion
Enhance the introduction and conclusion to ensure they effectively frame the essay. The introduction should clearly present the topic and outline the main points, while the conclusion should summarize the key arguments and restate your position.
task achievement
Make sure each main point is fully developed and supported with relevant examples. While the essay presents arguments and examples, some points need further elaboration to be more convincing.
task achievement
Clarify and improve the articulation of ideas. Some sentences could be rephrased for better clarity and to avoid confusion. Strive to express ideas in a more precise and sophisticated manner.
task achievement
The essay demonstrates a good understanding of the topic and addresses both sides of the argument, meeting the task requirements.
task achievement
The response includes relevant and specific examples to support the arguments, which strengthens the discussion.
coherence cohesion
The essay's structure follows a logical sequence, and each paragraph focuses on a distinct point, contributing to overall coherence.
Topic Vocabulary:
  • primary influence
  • development
  • instill values
  • norms
  • emotional foundation
  • social skills
  • role modeling
  • socioeconomic status
  • opportunities
  • resources
  • external factors
  • peer influence
  • teenage years
  • impact mood
  • cultural understanding
  • environment
  • role models
  • social media
  • shaping modern childhoods
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