IELTS Writing Correction Service /
Writing Samples /
Band 5

Shops should not be allowed to sell food and drinks tha are scientifically proven to be bad for people's health. To what extend do you agree or disagree?

#shops #food #drinks #tha #people #health
Nowadays, there are many
products
 that
unhealthy
Add a missing verb
have unhealthy
show examples
 effects on
people
 as proven by scientists. That's a reason for some
people
's requirement to avoid selling
such
products
 and drinks. I can't say that I have
the
Correct article usage
an
show examples
 unambiguous solution for
this
 extension, but I am convinced that every stick has two ends. First and foremost, we have many examples from the world history of
such
 bans.
For instance
, the dry law in the US in the 30th years of the 20th century, or the same law in the USSR in the 80th. The result of
such
 laws
were
Change the verb form
was
show examples
appearance
Add an article
the appearance
show examples
 of illegal alcoholic drinks, sometimes they were poisoned, and
people
 died or became handicapped after they had drunk them. It's always the question of supply and demand.
Moreover
, from these examples, we can study that direct avoidance can have the opposite effect on
people
.
Besides
 that, we are the creatures of our habits. If I'm drinking a glass of some carbohydrate drink with my lunch, I would buy it all the time, even if they prove that it may cause cancer. So, I believe, that the best solution to
this
 problem may be the contribution of the world governments to the social advertisement to explain the consequences of the consumption of these unhealthy drinks and food.
People
 have to see doctors, who explain more about the illnesses caused by these
products
,
furthermore
, they would see the patients, who are sick
as a result
 of the consumption of these
products
. In conclusion, I want to highlight, that even if it seems very logical to avoid something for the best purpose,
people
 will antagonize, so we have to develop a long-lasting worldwide plan for the
mprovement
Correct your spelling
improvement
 of humankind's habits.
Submitted by anastasia on

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Writing9 with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

introduction conclusion present
Your essay needs a more clearly defined introduction and conclusion. Make sure that your introduction clearly states the topic and your position on it, and that your conclusion summarizes your main points and restates your position.
logical structure
Work on organizing your ideas into clear, coherent paragraphs. Each paragraph should focus on a single main idea, with clear topic sentences and supporting details.
relevant specific examples
Try to provide more specific examples and evidence to support your main points. This will help to strengthen your argument and make your essay more convincing.
clear comprehensive ideas
Be sure to fully develop your ideas and explanations. Take the time to elaborate on your points and provide clear, comprehensive details.
complete response
Your essay addresses the task and provides relevant points about both sides of the argument.
complete response
You have used some good vocabulary and expressions to explain your points.

Include an introduction and conclusion

A conclusion is essential for IELTS writing task 2. It is more important than most people realise. You will be penalised for missing a conclusion in your IELTS essay.

The easiest paragraph to write in an essay is the conclusion paragraph. This is because the paragraph mostly contains information that has already been presented in the essay – it is just the repetition of some information written in the introduction paragraph and supporting paragraphs.

The conclusion paragraph only has 3 sentences:

  • Summary
  • Restatement of thesis
  • Prediction or recommendation

Example:

To summarize, a robotic teacher does not have the necessary disciple to properly give instructions to students and actually works to retard the ability of a student to comprehend new lessons. Therefore, it is clear that the idea of running a classroom completely by a machine cannot be supported. After thorough analysis on this subject, it is predicted that the adverse effects of the debate over technology-driven teaching will always be greater than the positive effects, and because of this, classroom teachers will never be substituted for technology.

Start your conclusion with a linking phrase. Here are some examples:

  • In conclusion
  • To conclude
  • To summarize
  • Finally
  • In a nutshell
  • In general

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »— a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

What to do next:
Look at other essays: