IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 5

many schools these days have problems with poor student behaviour

#schools #student #behaviour
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Nowadays, it is becoming common for many schools to have problems with
students
Use synonyms
 who behave badly themselves at
school
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. Undoubtedly,
this
Linking Words
 problem has numerous causes. In
this
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 essay, I will discuss the causes of
this
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 problem and give several solutions. One of the main causes
students
Use synonyms
 behave badly in
school
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 is wrong upbringing and lack of positive
role
Fix the agreement mistake
roles
show examples
 at home. Nowadays
parents
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,
for example
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, are more
focusing
Replace the word
focused
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 on their work than carrying their
children
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.
As a result
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, their
children
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 are getting used to
get
Change the verb form
getting
show examples
behavior
Change the spelling
behaviour
show examples
 from outdoor factors, and those
behaviors
Change the spelling
behaviours
show examples
 are causing
to
Correct pronoun usage
them to
show examples
 not respect their
teachers
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. To tackle
this
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 issue,
parents
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 should be put
pressure
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under pressure
show examples
 by
teachers
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 in order to
they
Correct pronoun usage
apply
show examples
raise their
children
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.
However
Linking Words
, raising their
children
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 may require some skills
such
Linking Words
 as giving true
manner
Fix the agreement mistake
manners
show examples
.
Additionally
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, not only do
parents
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 give
manner
Fix the agreement mistake
manners
show examples
their
Change preposition
to their
show examples
children
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, but
also
Linking Words
teachers
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 teaching
students
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 should give some information about
moral
Fix the agreement mistake
morals
show examples
 to
students
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 in a part of their lessons. Another cause of poor student performance may be excessive use of mass media.
According to
Linking Words
 some facts, every modern student studying at
school
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spent
Wrong verb form
spends
show examples
average
Correct article usage
an average
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6
Change preposition
of 6
show examples
hours on social media especially watching trendy videos
instead
Linking Words
 of reading books.
Consequently
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, they cannot focus on studying, and lose their concentration. Losing concentration, undoubtedly, will
effect
Correct your spelling
affect
show examples
 their behaviour. To solve
this
Linking Words
 issue,
parents
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 should limit
to
Change preposition
apply
show examples
children
Use synonyms
 using their phones.
Moreover
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, using smartphones at
school
Use synonyms
 must be banned by
school
Use synonyms
 directors.
Furthermore
Linking Words
,
students
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 who behave badly should be invited
some
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to some
show examples
 parties in order to learn
behavior
Change the spelling
behaviour
show examples
 from others.
To sum up
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, only when the solutions are exposed by
parents
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 and
teachers
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,
could
Wrong verb form
can
show examples
 they increase
students
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' behaviour,
otherwise
Linking Words
teachers
Use synonyms
 will
continue
Add the particle
continue to
show examples
 suffer from
this
Linking Words
 problem.
Submitted by minimix1203 on

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task achievement
Your essay addresses the task and discusses both causes and solutions to the problem of poor student behavior. To achieve a higher score, ensure that each solution is directly linked to the corresponding cause in a clear and logical manner.
coherence cohesion
Your essay has a fairly logical structure with an introduction, body paragraphs, and a conclusion. However, ensure that each paragraph flows smoothly into the next with the use of appropriate linking words and phrases to improve coherence and cohesion.
task achievement
Some of your points require further development and supporting examples to make your arguments more persuasive. Try to incorporate specific instances or studies to strengthen your points.
coherence cohesion
There are several grammatical mistakes and awkward phrasings that slightly affect the readability of your essay. Consider revising sentences for clarity and grammatical accuracy. For example, "focusing on their work than carrying their children" should be "focusing on their work rather than caring for their children."
structure
You have provided a clear introduction and conclusion, which frame the essay well.
task achievement
You have identified relevant causes and proposed corresponding solutions, which shows a good understanding of the task.

Your opinion

Don’t put your opinion unless you are asked to give it.

If the question asks what you think, you MUST give your opinion to get a good score.

Don’t leave your opinion until the conclusion.

Here are examples of instructions that require you to give your opinion:

...do you agree or disagree?...do you think...?...your opinion...?

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