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Writing Samples /
Band 5

In many countries around the world, rural people are moving to cities, so the population in the countryside is decreasing. Do you think this is a positive or a negative development? Give reasons for your answer and include any relevant examples from your own knowledge or experience. Write at least 250 words.

#countries #world #people #cities #population #countryside #development
In recent years,
significant
Add an article
a significant
show examples
 amount of people
tend
Wrong verb form
have tended
show examples
 to live in cities
instead
 of
outskirts
Correct article usage
the outskirts
show examples
Consequently
, a number of places have
been
Unnecessary verb
apply
show examples
faced the issue of depopulation. In my perspective, there are more advantages
in
Change preposition
apply
show examples
compared to drawbacks. In the first place, the countryside suffers from income drop. People pay taxes for the place where they live
such
 as residential tax or consumption tax.
Therefore
, more urban population accumulates,
less
Correct word choice
and less
show examples
 revenue comes for the local municipality
,
Remove the comma
apply
show examples
 because
less
Change the quantifier
fewer
show examples
 people pay
variety
Correct article usage
a variety
show examples
 kinds of
tax
Fix the agreement mistake
taxes
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.
As a result
, the quality of public services
such
 as hospitals or the infrastructure bus or train,
for instance
, may be exacerbated
due to
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
migration.
Moreover
,
this
 phenomenon affects
in
Change preposition
apply
show examples
an economic aspect.
In addition
 to taxes, those who dwell in a certain area support local
business
Fix the agreement mistake
businesses
show examples
 to purchase goods or services. There are numerous small firms
especially
Add the comma(s)
, especially
show examples
 in regional
area
Fix the agreement mistake
areas
show examples
 in Japan. Almost
of
Change preposition
apply
show examples
all their customers are local residents.
For example
,
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
companies which sell items without online shopping have huge detrimental impacts if many inhabitants get out of the town.
Conversely
, there is
also
 a positive impact of urbanization because of the crowdedness. Most enterprises have challenges hiring employees.
However
, firms
are
Unnecessary verb
apply
show examples
situated in cities
are
Verb problem
find it
show examples
 easier to hire staff. It is noteworthy that
according to
a
Remove the article
apply
show examples
research shows more than 70% of jobs are created in cities
,
Remove the comma
apply
show examples
 because more servants reside in
Add an article
the megalopolitan
show examples
megalopolitan
Capitalize word
Megalopolitan
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area
Fix the agreement mistake
areas
show examples
 to seek job vacancies. Actually, I
also
 made a decision
moving
Change the verb form
to move
show examples
 to Tokyo,
capital
Correct article usage
the capital
show examples
 of Japan, after I graduated from the university, because I couldn't find a decent job in my home town, which was located in
rural
Add an article
a rural
the rural
show examples
 region. To recapitulate, there are inevitable disadvantages; income drop and economic deterioration owing to transmigration. Both are caused by the population decline in
suburb
Fix the agreement mistake
suburbs
show examples
.
On the other hand
, there is a little positive repercussion to conurbation. It enables the majority of corporations easier for
gathering
Wrong verb form
gather
show examples
 job seekers.
Overall
,
however
, from my point of view, the upsides outweigh
demerits
Correct article usage
the demerits
show examples
.
Submitted by kanchanakularathna1991 on

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task achievement
Your essay effectively addresses the task by discussing both positive and negative aspects of urban migration. However, in some places your ideas could be clearer and more logically organized. For instance, make sure each paragraph has a clear main idea that is evident throughout.
coherence cohesion
Try to improve the logical structure of your essay. Ensure smooth transitions between paragraphs and within paragraphs themselves to maintain a coherent flow of ideas. This will help in making your arguments more persuasive.
grammar
Be careful with grammatical structures and make sure verbs are correctly used. For example, 'have been faced the issue of depopulation' should be 'have been facing the issue of depopulation'. This will enhance the overall clarity of your essay.
coherence cohesion
Some sentences are a bit too complex and may confuse the reader. Simplifying these sentences could help in making your points clearer. Try breaking them into smaller, more manageable parts.
task achievement
Your essay provides relevant and specific examples, which enhance the overall argument. This is particularly important for achieving a high score in task response.
coherence cohesion
Your introduction and conclusion do a good job in framing the essay and summarizing your key points, respectively. This helps in giving your essay a well-rounded structure.

Include an introduction and conclusion

A conclusion is essential for IELTS writing task 2. It is more important than most people realise. You will be penalised for missing a conclusion in your IELTS essay.

The easiest paragraph to write in an essay is the conclusion paragraph. This is because the paragraph mostly contains information that has already been presented in the essay – it is just the repetition of some information written in the introduction paragraph and supporting paragraphs.

The conclusion paragraph only has 3 sentences:

  • Summary
  • Restatement of thesis
  • Prediction or recommendation

Example:

To summarize, a robotic teacher does not have the necessary disciple to properly give instructions to students and actually works to retard the ability of a student to comprehend new lessons. Therefore, it is clear that the idea of running a classroom completely by a machine cannot be supported. After thorough analysis on this subject, it is predicted that the adverse effects of the debate over technology-driven teaching will always be greater than the positive effects, and because of this, classroom teachers will never be substituted for technology.

Start your conclusion with a linking phrase. Here are some examples:

  • In conclusion
  • To conclude
  • To summarize
  • Finally
  • In a nutshell
  • In general

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Topic Vocabulary:
  • rural-to-urban migration
  • population shift
  • positive impact
  • negative impact
  • urbanization
  • job opportunities
  • access to education
  • access to healthcare
  • urban infrastructure
  • rural traditions
  • cultural heritage
What to do next:
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