In many countries, women are now able to join the armed forces on an equal basis. However, some people think only men should be members of the army, navy or air force. To what extent do you agree or disagree?
Nowadays one of the important questions all over the world is the question of equality between men and
women
. We can divide all the countries
for
3 groups in Change preposition
into
this
question. Some countries
allow women
to join the army
on the
equal basis, in other Correct article usage
an
countries
the army
service
is compalsory
for both sexes, and the third Correct your spelling
compulsory
are
Change the verb form
is
avoid
the Fix the infinitive
to avoid
army
service
for women
. I am convinensed
that an Correct your spelling
convinced
army
must be professional, with the
equal rights for Correct article usage
apply
man
and Fix the agreement mistake
men
women
, without compalsory
military Correct your spelling
compulsory
service
at all, for several reason
.
First and foremost, I want to Change to a plural noun
reasons
extand
my point of view on the Correct your spelling
extend
expand
army
service
. You finish school at your
18, after the hardest period of exams, and Correct pronoun usage
apply
your
are going directly to the military Change the pronoun
you
service
. Without some rest. After that
there are 2 or 3 years of corps, with 2 or 3 short vacations. You still didn't see the Add a comma
that,
life
. Moreover
, you forgot at
all that you had learned at school. And now you need to choose your Change preposition
apply
life
road. As for me - it's not logic
. I spent most of my Replace the word
logical
life
in Israel, that
there is Correct word choice
where
the
Correct article usage
apply
compalsory
military Correct your spelling
compulsory
service
for both sexes. I saw a lot of young people
who prefered
to travel one or two Correct your spelling
preferred
year
before university. So they are starting their first degree at Fix the agreement mistake
years
their
25-26. In Correct pronoun usage
apply
this
age
in other Add a comma
age,
countries
Add a comma
countries,
people
are sometimes on the pick of their career. For people
that are not interested in army
as a Add an article
the army
job
it's a waste of time.
Add a comma
job,
Secondly
, the big army
require
a large budget. And I am not sure that the Change the verb form
requires
army
managements
can explain money movements. In a lot of Fix the agreement mistake
management
countries
we can see Add a comma
countries,
a problems
with the food and drink for soldiers, and Correct the article-noun agreement
a problem
problems
a
big houses for their commanders. When there is Correct article usage
apply
smaller
amount of professional soldiers, that choose their Add an article
a smaller
the smaller
life
road by themself, it causes less
problems with Change the quantifier
fewer
budget
, with Add an article
the budget
dissapointment
about the Correct your spelling
disappointment
wasteof
time, and more Correct your spelling
waste of
effectively
Change the word
effective
work
of Correct article usage
the work
army
.
In conclusion, I believe that the small professional Add an article
the army
army
would meet the requirements of country safety, would allow to
young Change preposition
apply
people
to start their professional life
early, and, finally
, to get the
Correct article usage
apply
equally
rights for both sexes to choose their path in Change the adverb
equal
life
.Submitted by anastasia on
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task response
Your essay addresses the topic and presents a clear stance, which is very important. However, there are several spelling and grammatical errors, such as 'compalsory' instead of 'compulsory', and 'extand' instead of 'extend'. These mistakes can make it difficult for readers to follow your arguments smoothly. To improve, consider proofreading your work or using spellcheck tools.
coherence and cohesion
Some of your points are well-developed with relevant examples, especially your personal experience in Israel. However, the structuring of ideas could be improved. Make sure that each paragraph has a clear main idea and is logically connected to the next. For example, discuss budgeting and its issues in one paragraph and focus on personal experiences and their implications in another separate paragraph.
coherence and cohesion
Your conclusion successfully summarizes your main points, but it could be made stronger by clearly reiterating your position on the topic. Additionally, the use of transitional phrases and cohesive devices (like 'furthermore,' 'however,' 'in addition') can help to make your essay more coherent.
task response
You provided relevant and specific examples, particularly from your personal experience in Israel, to support your points. This adds credibility and depth to your argument.
coherence and cohesion
You have a clear introduction and conclusion, which helps frame your essay and makes your position clear to the reader.
task response
Your essay reflects a well-thought-out perspective on a complex issue, showing a comprehensive understanding of the topic.
Fully explain your ideas
To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).
For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:
- Paragraph 1 - Introduction
- Sentence 1 - Background statement
- Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
- Sentence 3 - Thesis
- Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
- Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
- Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
- Sentence 2 - Example
- Sentence 3 - Discussion
- Sentence 4 - Conclusion
- Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
- Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
- Sentence 2 - Example
- Sentence 3 - Discussion
- Sentence 4 - Conclusion
- Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
- Sentence 1 - Summary
- Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
- Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation
Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.