IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 4.5

In many countries, the level of crime is increasing. What do you think are the main causes of crime? How can we deal with those causes?

#countries #level #crime
✨ Do you want to improve your IELTS writing?
The increase in
crime
Use synonyms
 in certain
society
Fix the agreement mistake
societies
show examples
 has been changing during the
last
Linking Words
 century on different scales. Every nation has a specific socio-economic system which is the main cause of inequality worldwide ending in a vast number of
crimes
Use synonyms
due to
Linking Words
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
poverty nowadays.
This
Linking Words
 essay will discuss the different causes of
crime
Use synonyms
 and how individuals can manage them to reduce their consequences. Poverty is one of the most controversial problems around the world ending in infraction in most of the third world society
due to
Linking Words
 the unequal society. To be more precise, impoverished folk are marginalized by the government who decide without taking them into account, creating more inequality.
Therefore
Linking Words
,
this
Linking Words
 huge issue triggers the opposite
mankind's
Change preposition
of mankind's
show examples
 perspective where
wealthy
Add an article
the wealthy
show examples
 population have been favoured rather than
poor
Correct article usage
the poor
show examples
 ones who commit
crimes
Use synonyms
 to supply their needs or
take
Verb problem
get
show examples
 justice by themselves. Nowadays
state
Correct subject-verb agreement
states
show examples
such
Linking Words
 as Colombia, Venezuela, and Chile among others have been affected by multiple
crimes
Use synonyms
such
Linking Words
 as kidnapping, murder, drug offences, mugger, and shoplifter among others which has been increasing rapidly in the
last
Linking Words
 years.
Consequently
Linking Words
, the government must create a special program to include the impoverished crowd in their decisions to reduce misconduct levels and bring them more hope. Unemployment and low salaries have been increasing the wrongdoing rates over the years.
This
Linking Words
 means that low opportunities nowadays and the bad salaries in general labour have caused
people
Use synonyms
 to commit more
crimes
Use synonyms
 than in the past.
This
Linking Words
 problem is frequently more common in young generations who have been
studied
Wrong verb form
studying
show examples
 for years to achieve their ideal job but
due to
Linking Words
 the low opportunities, have failed.
Therefore
Linking Words
, many of them have decided to commit
crimes
Use synonyms
 to supply their basics.
On the other hand
Linking Words
, others have left their land to find a better opportunity overseas. Is important that each nation discuss
this
Linking Words
 enormous problem and start to create strategies to provide more important things for young
people
Use synonyms
 to reduce
in
Change preposition
apply
show examples
certain level
Use synonyms
crime
Change preposition
of crime
show examples
 in their countries. I consider that the main causes of the increment in levels of felony in some countries are famine and unemployment. Perhaps the lack of opportunities and low salaries drive
people
Use synonyms
 to commit more
crimes
Use synonyms
 nowadays than in the past. I truly believe that the government have to create effective strategies to address these issues
such
Linking Words
 as programs for impoverished
population
Fix the agreement mistake
populations
show examples
 in order to increase their lifestyle or programs where young
people
Use synonyms
 could be more involved in the industry and business. These steps are not only crucial to improve inner safety but
also
Linking Words
 necessary to eradicate de inequality between social classes. There is no doubt that poverty and
crime
Use synonyms
came
Verb problem
became
show examples
 intertwined.
Submitted by camilaaranzazur on

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Writing9 with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

task achievement
Your essay adequately addresses the task, discussing causes of crime and potential solutions. However, to achieve a higher score, ensure to develop your arguments more deeply and provide more specific solutions.
coherence cohesion
The essay is fairly well organized and generally clear, but working more on logical structure and smooth transitions between ideas can improve cohesion. More focused topic sentences and linking words can enhance the flow of your essay.
coherence cohesion
You have a good introduction and conclusion. To strengthen your essay, ensure your main points are consistently supported with clear, detailed examples and explanations.
coherence cohesion
The essay has a clear introduction and conclusion, indicating a good overall structure.
task achievement
Relevant examples of countries experiencing high crime rates were provided, supporting the discussion.
task achievement
You successfully identified poverty and unemployment as key causes of crime, addressing the essay prompt effectively.

Include an introduction and conclusion

A conclusion is essential for IELTS writing task 2. It is more important than most people realise. You will be penalised for missing a conclusion in your IELTS essay.

The easiest paragraph to write in an essay is the conclusion paragraph. This is because the paragraph mostly contains information that has already been presented in the essay – it is just the repetition of some information written in the introduction paragraph and supporting paragraphs.

The conclusion paragraph only has 3 sentences:

  • Summary
  • Restatement of thesis
  • Prediction or recommendation

Example:

To summarize, a robotic teacher does not have the necessary disciple to properly give instructions to students and actually works to retard the ability of a student to comprehend new lessons. Therefore, it is clear that the idea of running a classroom completely by a machine cannot be supported. After thorough analysis on this subject, it is predicted that the adverse effects of the debate over technology-driven teaching will always be greater than the positive effects, and because of this, classroom teachers will never be substituted for technology.

Start your conclusion with a linking phrase. Here are some examples:

  • In conclusion
  • To conclude
  • To summarize
  • Finally
  • In a nutshell
  • In general

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »— a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

What to do next:
Look at other essays: