IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 4.5

In many countries, people are now living longer than ever before. Some people say an ageing population creates problems for governments. Other people think there are benefits if society has more elderly people. To what extent do the advantages of having an ageing population outweigh the disadvantages.

Nowadays, many
people
Use synonyms
 argue about what
is
Change the verb form
are
show examples
 the advantages and disadvantages
having
Change preposition
of having
show examples
 an elderly
population
Use synonyms
. Some supporters believe that it has some benefits, others do not. I strongly
consider
Verb problem
believe
show examples
 that a young country has many advantages
than
Change preposition
over
show examples
 ageing
countires
Correct your spelling
countries
.
In
Change preposition
This
show examples
this
Linking Words
 essay will illustrate why I disagree by giving examples.
To begin
Linking Words
 with, countries which
occur
Verb problem
are
show examples
 mainly older
people
Use synonyms
 have to struggle
some
Change preposition
with some
show examples
difficuiltes
Correct your spelling
difficulties
such
Linking Words
 as economic, social and caring. Elderlies cannot contribute to economic power, and they have
Correct article usage
a consumers
show examples
consumers
Fix the agreement mistake
consumer
show examples
 role rather than producters.
For instance
Linking Words
, retirees have a monthly income from the government in many countries, but
this
Linking Words
 income is provided from active productions and taxes. If the ratio of the elderly
population
Use synonyms
 exceeds the ratio of the young and working
population
Use synonyms
 it can appear problem pie of
economy
Correct article usage
the economy
show examples
. Another reason why it has drawbacks rather than benefits is caring problems. In the long term,
people
Use synonyms
 can face some challenges in their health. Caring services can be another problem for governments not only
economical
Change the word
economically
show examples
 but
also
Linking Words
social
Change the word
socially
show examples
. In many countries parents reside with their
children
Use synonyms
,
being
Correct word choice
and being
show examples
 responsible for long-term parental care can cause some problems in the social lives of
children
Use synonyms
.
To sum up
Linking Words
 it is an enormous possibility to raise another social problem for the government
such
Linking Words
 as family disagreement. Turning
the
Change preposition
to the
show examples
 other side of the argument, having
ageing
Correct article usage
an ageing
show examples
population
Use synonyms
 can provide some benefits for society and
also
Linking Words
economy
Add an article
the economy
show examples
.
For instance
Linking Words
, Young parents to go on their jobs need to someone
for looking
Wrong verb form
look
show examples
 after their
children
Use synonyms
. In
this
Linking Words
 case, grandparents can assist their
children
Use synonyms
 and by
this
Linking Words
method
Add a comma
method,
show examples
 older
people
Use synonyms
 can contribute economy indirectly.
To conclude
Linking Words
,
while
Linking Words
ageing
Correct article usage
the ageing
show examples
population
Use synonyms
 bring some advantages for
public
Correct article usage
the public
show examples
 and
government
Correct article usage
the government
show examples
, I strongly believe that
they
Correct pronoun usage
it
show examples
 can cause many problems
especially
Add the comma(s)
, especially
show examples
 for
Correct article usage
the economuc
show examples
economuc
Correct your spelling
economic
 circle and public well-being.

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task achievement
Your essay addresses the prompt well and you provide both sides of the argument. However, you could further develop your main points with more detailed explanations and varied examples. Expanding on these ideas will make your argument more convincing.
task achievement
There are some grammatical errors and awkward phrases. For example, 'This essay will illustrate...', 'Elderlies cannot contribute...' Instead, you might say, 'In this essay, I will illustrate...', 'The elderly cannot contribute...'. Reviewing these types of errors can improve the clarity of your writing.
coherence cohesion
The structure of your essay is clear, with a distinct introduction, body paragraphs, and conclusion. However, transitions between paragraphs could be smoother. Use linking words and phrases such as 'Moreover,' 'Additionally,' or 'On the other hand,' to help the reader follow your argument more easily.
coherence cohesion
To further improve coherence and cohesion, ensure that each paragraph focuses on a single main idea and that your supporting points directly relate to this idea. This will strengthen the logical flow of your essay and make it easier to understand.
task achievement
You've done well in addressing both viewpoints on the topic, which shows a balanced perspective and is a strong point of your essay.
coherence cohesion
The structure of your essay is effective, with each section serving its purpose: introduction, body, and conclusion.
task achievement
Your use of specific examples, such as retirees receiving a monthly income from the government, helps to support your arguments effectively.
Topic Vocabulary:
  • ageing population
  • benefits
  • disadvantages
  • advantages
  • experience
  • knowledge
  • contribution
  • economy
  • society
  • healthcare
  • youth employment
  • community
  • intergenerational support
  • volunteerism
  • mentorship
  • increased demand
  • pension costs
  • social welfare systems
  • workforce
  • productivity
  • intergenerational conflict
  • technological adaptability
  • dependency
  • effective
  • skill development
  • employment opportunities
  • intergenerational solidarity
  • communication
  • lifelong learning
  • technological literacy
  • age-friendly
  • social policies
  • infrastructure
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