IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 8.5

In many cities the use of video cameras in public places is being increased in order to reduce crime, but some people believe that these measures restrict our individual freedom. Do the benefits of increased security outweigh the drawbacks.

#cities #video #cameras #places #crime #people #measures #freedom #security
✨ Do you want to improve your IELTS writing?
In today’s world, video surveillance is widely used in public areas in many cities for crime prevention.
While
 some individuals consider
this
 measure to be an invasion of privacy, I contend that the advantages of using CCTV surpass its disadvantages.
To begin
 with, there are several major reasons why opponents maintain that security systems should not be used in communal spaces.
Firstly
, they argue that monitoring devices observe people without permission, which violates their privacy.
Consequently
, the public experiences less freedom and constantly feels watched by the authorities, causing increased pressure and negatively impacting their mental well-being.
Additionally
, without a transparent and effective supervisory mechanism, surveillance systems may be utilized by relevant organizations for illegal or unethical purposes.
Furthermore
, the data collected by these systems is at risk of leakage
due to
 hacker attacks. If
this
 information falls into the hands of criminals, both individuals and society may suffer serious consequences.
On the other hand
, I believe that the benefits of monitoring outweigh the drawbacks. One of the main advantages is that it can deter potential offenders from committing crimes, thereby significantly reducing crime rates and creating a safer and more harmonious community.
For instance
, since the introduction of video technology in the public transport system, terrorist threats,
such
 as bombings, have almost disappeared in China.
Moreover
, these devices provide valuable support for law enforcement agencies. Officers are able to use video evidence to catch criminals, greatly increasing their work efficiency.
As a result
, governments can employ fewer personnel
while
 effectively serving the same population. The savings from reducing the number of officers can be reallocated to other essential infrastructure and public services. In conclusion,
while
 it is understandable why some critics argue against using surveillance in public places, I contend that the beneficial effects of
this
 measure outweigh the detrimental ones.
Submitted by 645119931 on

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Writing9 with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

task achievement
You have presented a well-developed and balanced argument. Ensure to cite specific examples or data for more support in high-stakes essays.
coherence cohesion
Work on providing smoother transitions between some points related to concerns about privacy and effectiveness of surveillance.
coherence cohesion
Your introduction clearly states the topic and your position, setting a strong foundation for the essay.
task achievement
You have supported your main points with relevant examples and reasoning, making your essay persuasive and robust.
coherence cohesion
Both the introduction and conclusion are present and effectively summarize your arguments.

Support ideas with relevant, specific examples

Examples make your writing easier to understand by illustrating points more effectively.

Examples, if used properly, not only help you get higher marks for ‘Task Response’ but also for ‘Coherence’.

When giving examples it is best to put them after your main idea or topic sentence. They can be used in the middle of supporting sentences or they can be used to start a new sentence. There is no rule for where exactly to give examples in essays, logically they would come after your main idea/topic sentence or just after a supporting sentence.

Linking words for giving examples:

  • for example
  • for instance
  • to illustrate this
  • to give a clear example
  • such as
  • namely
  • to illustrate
  • take, for example

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »— a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

Topic Vocabulary:
  • Surveillance cameras
  • Public safety
  • Deterrent
  • Evidence collection
  • Apprehend perpetrators
  • Public spaces
  • Invasion of privacy
  • Civil liberties
  • Abuse of power
  • Misuse
  • Cost implications
  • Monitoring
  • Maintenance
  • Essential services
  • Justice system
What to do next:
Look at other essays: