IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 5

Individual greed and selfishness have been the basis of modern society. Some people think that we must return to older more traditional values such as respect for the and the local community in order to create a better world to live in. To what extent do you agree or disagree?

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There is no denying the fact that greedy
people
Use synonyms
 and selfish
Use synonyms
behaviors
Change the spelling
behaviours
show examples
 show
an
Correct article usage
apply
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increase
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increased
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 nowadays.
While
Linking Words
 it is a commonly held belief that returning to the past conventional learning is an essential method that will demonstrate a diminishing of individual
behavior
Change the spelling
behaviour
show examples
, there is an argument that opposes it. In my opinion, I consider that older traditional teaching plays a critical role
to improve
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in improving
show examples
Use synonyms
behaviors
Change the spelling
behaviours
show examples
.
To begin
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 with, I would consider social media as the biggest issue for
the
Correct article usage
apply
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harmful disrespect and
selfishness
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selfish
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behavior
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behaviour
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.
In other words
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, numerous social media platforms allowed
people
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 with zero experience to create blogs and spread content as
a
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apply
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life
coach
Fix the agreement mistake
coaches
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. They give advice to a wide range of
people
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, especially children. Sadly
this
Linking Words
 advice contains danger signals for the individual mind.
In addition
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, losing parental control
about
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over
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 the content followed by their children.
For example
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, kids
at
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in
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 the first 10 years collecting information from their environment
Add the comma(s)
, as well as this,
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as well as
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this
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 will reflect on their future
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behaviors
Change the spelling
behaviours
show examples
. Another point to consider, the ancient community provides an immense influence in teaching
such
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 as respect and support. It is
also
Linking Words
 possible to say,
traditional
Correct word choice
that traditional
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 teaching shows a crucial beneficial aspect
on
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to
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 our generation
this
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 shore up for
build
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building
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strong
Add an article
a strong
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 society.
Moreover
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, Schools
has
Correct subject-verb agreement
have
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 a vital role
on
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in
show examples
kids
Change noun form
kids'
kid's
show examples
Use synonyms
behaviors
Change the spelling
behaviours
show examples
 they ought to implement regulations, despite how their parents treat them.
For instance
Linking Words
, a study published in 2010 by the community department of the University of Jordan, shows digital data about how
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
schools can change
children
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children's
show examples
behavior
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behaviour
show examples
 in the first 10 years by 76%. In conclusion, despite
people
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 having different views, I believe that older
traditional
Replace the word
traditions
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 must be in consideration to create
generation
Add an article
a generation
show examples
 with sufficient skills, I consider
encourage
Wrong verb form
encouraging
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 kids with expert, books,
Correct word choice
and awarenesses
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awarenesses
Correct your spelling
awareness
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 material will
contribute
Verb problem
have
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 an impact on their
behaviors
Use synonyms
.

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coherence cohesion
Ensure you maintain a logical flow of ideas and support your points with relevant examples consistently throughout the essay.
task achievement
Avoid generalization and aim to stay more focused on the specific points you want to discuss. Additionally, work on the clarity of your ideas by expanding on some points or providing clearer explanations.
coherence cohesion
The essay has a clear introduction and conclusion, helping guide the reader through the argument.
task achievement
The essay addresses the question asked and provides relevant points of view.

Include an introduction and conclusion

A conclusion is essential for IELTS writing task 2. It is more important than most people realise. You will be penalised for missing a conclusion in your IELTS essay.

The easiest paragraph to write in an essay is the conclusion paragraph. This is because the paragraph mostly contains information that has already been presented in the essay – it is just the repetition of some information written in the introduction paragraph and supporting paragraphs.

The conclusion paragraph only has 3 sentences:

  • Summary
  • Restatement of thesis
  • Prediction or recommendation

Example:

To summarize, a robotic teacher does not have the necessary disciple to properly give instructions to students and actually works to retard the ability of a student to comprehend new lessons. Therefore, it is clear that the idea of running a classroom completely by a machine cannot be supported. After thorough analysis on this subject, it is predicted that the adverse effects of the debate over technology-driven teaching will always be greater than the positive effects, and because of this, classroom teachers will never be substituted for technology.

Start your conclusion with a linking phrase. Here are some examples:

  • In conclusion
  • To conclude
  • To summarize
  • Finally
  • In a nutshell
  • In general

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »— a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

Topic Vocabulary:
  • modern society
  • traditional values
  • familial bonds
  • community ties
  • collective well-being
  • individual gain
  • responsibility
  • care for others
  • neglect
  • isolation
  • honesty
  • respect
  • cooperation
  • individual greed
  • ethical conduct
  • social cohesion
  • crime rates
  • mental health
  • general happiness
What to do next:
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