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Writing Samples
Band 6.5

The table below shows the percentage of adults in urban and rural areas who took part in four free time activities in 1990 and 2010.

The table below shows the percentage of adults in urban and rural areas who took part in four free time activities in 1990 and 2010.
#percentage #adults #areas #part #four #time #activities
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The table represents the percentage of
adults
Use synonyms
 from urban and rural areas who participated in four different leisure
activities
Use synonyms
: reading, animated play, playing, and photography, in 1990 and 2010.
Overall
Linking Words
, it can be clearly observed that reading was the most popular free time
Use synonyms
activities
Fix the agreement mistake
activity
show examples
,
whereas
Linking Words
that
Correct pronoun usage
apply
show examples
of
Change preposition
apply
show examples
the others were competing its popularity
among
Change preposition
with
show examples
 each other in
both
Use synonyms
 years.
However
Linking Words
, it is interesting to note that there were some changes found in trends of
activities
Use synonyms
 in urban
adults
Use synonyms
,
while
Linking Words
 that of those in rural areas remained constant. Starting in 1990, at 71%, reading accounted for the largest percentage among all
activities
Use synonyms
 in
adults
Use synonyms
 living
rural
Change preposition
in rural
show examples
Use synonyms
area
Fix the agreement mistake
areas
show examples
, followed by, playing and animated play, at 26%, and at 18%, respectively.
Hence
Linking Words
, reading
Linking Words
also
Add a missing verb
is also
show examples
trendy
Correct article usage
a trendy
show examples
Use synonyms
activities
Fix the agreement mistake
activity
show examples
 found in
adults
Use synonyms
 who dwelled in the cities
at
Change preposition
apply
show examples
61%, but the figures of those who enjoy playing now
overtaking
Wrong verb form
overtake
show examples
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
animated play at 21%.
Moreover
Linking Words
,
although
Linking Words
 photography is the least preferable
acitivity
Correct your spelling
activity
 found in
both
Use synonyms
 locations, the number of those from the rural
were
Change the verb form
was
show examples
 double that of
urban
Add an article
the urban
show examples
Use synonyms
area
Fix the agreement mistake
areas
show examples
 at 14%. In 2010, trends of
activities
Use synonyms
 from
both
Use synonyms
 regions were varied, except
reading
Change preposition
for reading
show examples
 that
remarkably
Add a missing verb
was remarkably
show examples
 high at the same rate of 78%. Photography
seem
Change the verb form
seems
show examples
 to capture
peoples'
Correct your spelling
people's
show examples
 attention with the 10% rise in
both
Use synonyms
 groups.
While
Linking Words
 playing remained the constant in rural
Use synonyms
area
Fix the agreement mistake
areas
show examples
 at 26%, only 14% of the urban
adults
Use synonyms
 continue to do
this
Linking Words
.
Lastly
Linking Words
, animated
plays
Change noun form
plays'
play's
show examples
 popularity
for
Change preposition
among
show examples
 urban people
are
Correct subject-verb agreement
is
show examples
 the same, but in
rural
Add an article
the rural
show examples
Use synonyms
area
Fix the agreement mistake
areas
show examples
 declined
4
Change preposition
by 4
show examples
%.
Submitted by kamonluck1999 on

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Linking words: Don't use the same linking words: "while".
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Conclusion: The conclusion is too long.
Vocabulary: Replace the words adults, activities, both, area with synonyms.
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Vocabulary: Rephrase the word "percentage" in your introduction.
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Vocabulary: The word "percentage" was used 2 times.
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Vocabulary: The word "trends" was used 2 times.
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Vocabulary: The word "remained" was used 2 times.
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