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Writing Samples /
Band 2

Some believe that children nowadays have too much freedom. To what extent do you agree or disagree?

#believe #children #freedom
ata UNICEF in 2023 many cases showed
children
 less able to express themselves. It happened in Indonesia, specifically in my hometown many
children
 are not able to get
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
freedom
 in education. Discrimination, bullying, injustice, less literacy and numeracy, and poverty.
However
, the problem makes it difficult for them to express their gratitude
in
Change preposition
to
show examples
 society
but
Correct word choice
and
show examples
also
 it can ruin the mental
and
Correct word choice
apply
show examples
process
to
Change preposition
of
show examples
grow
Replace the word
growth
show examples
.
On the other
hand
Add a comma
hand,
show examples
children
 need an environment that supports their mindset and opinion.
Freedom
 is good in a positive way specifically for
children
 if we are responsible.
For instance
,
Firstly
, the governments have to make strong regulations in order to make
children
 feel free to express themselves in society because everyone has human rights.
Secondly
,
golden
Correct article usage
the golden
show examples
 age
which
Correct pronoun usage
apply
show examples
is
children
Rephrase
when children
show examples
 essentially
to
Fix the infinitive
apply
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recognize
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
freedom
 and as
a
Correct pronoun usage
we
show examples
 older we must
to
Fix the infinitive
apply
show examples
take care
and
Change preposition
of and
show examples
 hear their
opinion
Fix the agreement mistake
opinions
show examples
 too.
Lastly
, being wise as a human being to understand the
freedom
 for all the
age
Fix the agreement mistake
ages
show examples
 specifically for
children
 to express themselves properly.
Submitted by raymond.sebastianvl on

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structure
Your essay should start with a clear introduction that outlines your main points. Try to introduce your stance on the given topic first before delving into examples.
cohesion
Ensure each paragraph clearly connects to the next and maintains a logical flow of ideas. Using transitional words and phrases can help your essay's cohesion.
examples
Include more specific examples and explanations to support your arguments. This can help in making your points clearer and more compelling.
structure
Make sure your essay has a conclusion that summarizes your main points and restates your position on the topic. This wraps up your essay neatly.
support
You have made an effort to support your ideas with relevant points, such as government regulations and children's human rights. This shows a good understanding of the topic.
content
Your essay touches on important issues like bullying, discrimination, and poverty, indicating an awareness of the broader context surrounding children's freedom.

Include an introduction and conclusion

A conclusion is essential for IELTS writing task 2. It is more important than most people realise. You will be penalised for missing a conclusion in your IELTS essay.

The easiest paragraph to write in an essay is the conclusion paragraph. This is because the paragraph mostly contains information that has already been presented in the essay – it is just the repetition of some information written in the introduction paragraph and supporting paragraphs.

The conclusion paragraph only has 3 sentences:

  • Summary
  • Restatement of thesis
  • Prediction or recommendation

Example:

To summarize, a robotic teacher does not have the necessary disciple to properly give instructions to students and actually works to retard the ability of a student to comprehend new lessons. Therefore, it is clear that the idea of running a classroom completely by a machine cannot be supported. After thorough analysis on this subject, it is predicted that the adverse effects of the debate over technology-driven teaching will always be greater than the positive effects, and because of this, classroom teachers will never be substituted for technology.

Start your conclusion with a linking phrase. Here are some examples:

  • In conclusion
  • To conclude
  • To summarize
  • Finally
  • In a nutshell
  • In general

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