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Band 5.5

In many countries nowadays,more and more women have full-time jobs as men,so there is logic men and women should share the housework tasks equally(like cleaning and looking after children).To what extent do you agree or disagree?

#countries #women #jobs #men #logic #housework #tasks #children
Today,
increasing
Add an article
an increasing
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 number of
women
 are employed as opposed to previous days.
Therefore
,
responsibilites
Correct your spelling
responsibilities
 of
house
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the house
show examples
such
 as child care and chores, must be carried out by both wife and husband. I totally agree with
this
 view. In
marriage
, these duties
are not belong
Change the verb form
do not belong
show examples
 to one person and without helping each other,
marriage
 cannot
last
 long.
Marriage
 is a small establishment that requires sharing everything whether it be joy or struggles. There are many handicaps in daily life that make it hard to sustain
partnership
Fix the agreement mistake
partnerships
show examples
.
This
sentitive
Correct your spelling
sensitive
 balance can only be set up by mutual understanding. So,
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
if the purpose is
same
Correct article usage
the same
show examples
, why workshare cannot be equal?
Moreover
, there is a belief that 'men's and
women
's responsibilities are different'.
This
 view is not valid anymore as
women
 are
also
 participating
work
Change preposition
in work
show examples
 life. If
wife
Correct article usage
the wife
show examples
contribute
Change the verb form
contributes
show examples
 to the home economy,
husband
Add an article
the husband
a husband
show examples
 can wash the dishes.
Furthermore
,
while
 working itself can be overwhelming, adding all house responsibilities may turn one partner's life into hell. It would be exhausting to do both inside and outside work. Over time,
person
Add an article
the person
a person
show examples
 who shoulders all
responsibility
Correct article usage
the responsibility
show examples
 may face serious mental issues
such
 as depression and anxiety.
This
 mental state impairs the
marriage
.
Besides
, not shared responsibilities cannot be carried out duly. A working woman,
for instance
, may forget to take her child from school.
Hence
, dreamlike marriages
faces
Change the verb form
face
show examples
inevitable
Correct article usage
an inevitable
show examples
 end. In conclusion, all home duties must be shared by each partner since
women
has
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have
show examples
 become a
contrubutor
Correct your spelling
contributor
 of
household
Correct article usage
the household
show examples
 economy.
Due to
 the fact that these
responsibles
Correct your spelling
responsibilities
being
Wrong verb form
are
show examples
 mutual, they have to be shared equally for the sake of
marriage
.
Submitted by TUTOO on

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clear comprehensive ideas
Your main points are clear and comprehensive, but you might want to elaborate on some points further with specific examples or data to give more depth to your arguments.
logical structure
Make sure each paragraph transitions smoothly into the next. Using linking words and phrases more effectively could improve the flow of your essay.
complete response
The essay provides a complete response to the task prompt.
introduction conclusion present
You have a clear structure with an introduction, body paragraphs, and a conclusion, which effectively presents your argument.
relevant specific examples
You have included relevant and specific examples to support your points, which strengthens your arguments.

Support ideas with relevant, specific examples

Examples make your writing easier to understand by illustrating points more effectively.

Examples, if used properly, not only help you get higher marks for ‘Task Response’ but also for ‘Coherence’.

When giving examples it is best to put them after your main idea or topic sentence. They can be used in the middle of supporting sentences or they can be used to start a new sentence. There is no rule for where exactly to give examples in essays, logically they would come after your main idea/topic sentence or just after a supporting sentence.

Linking words for giving examples:

  • for example
  • for instance
  • to illustrate this
  • to give a clear example
  • such as
  • namely
  • to illustrate
  • take, for example

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