IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 5.5

The bar chart below shows the percentage participation of men in senior development in three companies between 1980 and the year 2010 . Summaries the information by selecting and reporting in the main features, make comparisons where relevant .

The bar chart below shows the percentage participation of men in senior development in three companies between 1980 and the year 2010 . Summaries the information by selecting and reporting in the main features, make comparisons where relevant .
#bar #percentage #participation #men #development #three #companies #year #summaries #information #features #comparisons
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This
Linking Words
 bar graph shows the percentage participation of
male
Fix the agreement mistake
males
show examples
 in senior development
in
Change preposition
at
show examples
 IBM, Microsoft and Apple from 1980 to 2010.
Overall
Linking Words
, it becomes clear that male participants in senior development in 1980
was
Change the verb form
were
show examples
 the lowest
compare
Change the form of the verb
compared
show examples
 to 2010 at all three companies. In more detail, IBM men participants were around 4
Use synonyms
percent
Change the spelling
per cent
show examples
 in 1980, they increased by 8
Use synonyms
percent
Change the spelling
per cent
show examples
 in 1990, by 12
Use synonyms
percent
Change the spelling
per cent
show examples
 in 1995, and became the highest company which took male workers in 2010.
Conversely
Linking Words
, Apple
was
Verb problem
had
show examples
 the highest percentage about 15
Use synonyms
percent
Change the spelling
per cent
show examples
 in 1980
Linking Words
then
Replace the word
than
show examples
at the end
Linking Words
 of
whole
Correct article usage
the whole
show examples
 period stood
3rd
Change preposition
in 3rd
show examples
 place.
Submitted by elbayevazamat on

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Sentences: Add more complex sentences.
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Common mistake: Your writing should be 150-250 words.
Vocabulary: Replace the words percent with synonyms.
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Vocabulary: Rephrase the word "shows" in your introduction.
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Vocabulary: Rephrase the word "percentage" in your introduction.
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Vocabulary: The word "percentage" was used 2 times.
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Topic Vocabulary:
  • percentage participation
  • senior development roles
  • observed trends
  • notable increases/decreases
  • significant changes
  • consistency over time
  • influencing factors
  • industry shifts
  • socio-economic factors
  • comparison of data
  • similarities and differences
  • overall trends
  • implications
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