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Writing Samples
Band 4.5

Nowdays, international tourism is the biggest industry in the world. Unfortunately, international tourism creates tension rather than understanding between people from different culture. To what extent do you agree or disagree?

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International
tourism
 is increasing day by day in the present time and started to become the biggest industry.
According to
 some
people
, it only creates
tension
 among
people
 rather than understanding.I agree with the idea that it
increases
tension
.
Tourism
 in the present time is increasing but only international
tourism
 , not national
tourism
.International
tourism
increases
 the money flows to other countries.
On the other hand
, national
tourism
increases
 the money flows inside the
country
that
Correct pronoun usage
which
show examples
 provides employment inside the
country
.
For instance
,
According to
 a report, the
Number
Fix capitalization
number
show examples
 of
people
 increased in the list of international tourists
are
Correct subject-verb agreement
is
show examples
 56% more than average
last
 year
while
 national
tourism
 has only increased by 2% and unemployment is the same as
last
 year.So, we can see that it is not benefiting the
country
 and the pedestrians. Some communities think
, International
Correct your spelling
that international
tourism
increases
tension
 rather than understanding between
people
 from different cultures.They are quite right because if every individual went on international
trips
 it would become a standard thing and everyone would try to make
trips
 to different countries.It will create
tension
 rather than understanding between communities from different cultures.
For example
,
According to
 Frank, who is a psychology professor at Oxford, Individuals who observe other individuals who go on international
trips
, are 64% more depressed than others because they always
struggles
Change the verb form
struggle
show examples
 to do the same thing.They do not try to learn about their cultures.
Instead
,they lose motivation. In conclusion, I agree with the idea that individuals can take other
people
's
trips
, outside the
country
 as a reason for depression.
Although
 they can learn about their culture they don't.
Submitted by Saad Kamal on

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task achievement
You need to fully develop your points. For instance, the idea that international tourism only creates tension could be supported with more varied examples and deeper explanation.
coherence cohesion
Try to ensure that each paragraph has a clear main idea and contributes to the overall argument. The structure can be improved by better linking your ideas and ensuring each paragraph flows smoothly into the next.
coherence cohesion
Your introduction should better outline the main points you will discuss in the essay and more effectively state your stance. Similarly, the conclusion should summarize the main points discussed and provide a clear ending to your argument.
task achievement
You have provided relevant examples to support your points, such as the report on the number of international tourists and the psychology professor's statement.
coherence cohesion
Your essay is clearly structured with an introduction, body, and conclusion.
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