IELTS Writing Correction Service /
Writing Samples /
Band 5

The most important aim of science should be to improve people's lives. To what extent do you agree or disagree with this statement? Give reasons for your answer and include any relevant examples from your own experience.

#aim #science #people #lives
In general, it is argued that
science
Replace the word
scientific
show examples
advansments
Correct your spelling
advancements
advancement
 should be to realise better
lives
 for human beings.
While
 some
people
 maintain that it leads to a critical problem all over the world, I mostly agree with
this
 idea, as aiming to improve quality of life would solve several social issues and realise fulfilling
lives
 On the one hand,
science
 should solve some social problems,
For example
, if new technologies can produce safe and more affordable food, it would be useful for poor children to have a balanced diet and grow healthy.
In addition
, online shopping services are vital especially for elderly and disability
people
 to buy
necessaly
Correct your spelling
necessary
 things, which are healthy foods, clothes, and other household goods.
Next,
it is
necessaly
Correct your spelling
necessary
 to develop technologies for
people
 to lead fulfilling
lives
.
People
 can communicate with friends and families who live
in
Change preposition
apply
show examples
far away from them using electronic devices
such
 as
smartphone
Fix the agreement mistake
smartphones
show examples
 and
PC
Fix the agreement mistake
PCs
show examples
. It
was aiming
Wrong verb form
aimed
show examples
 to make
living
Add an article
the living
show examples
 environment more convenient.
On the other hand
, there is a concern about other creatures. Excessive development for
people
’s
lives
 will have a significant negative impact on
eco
Correct your spelling
the
show examples
 system.
For example
, we are invading some habits of animals and they have less
foods
Fix the agreement mistake
food
show examples
 and living spaces.
As a result
, we have to rethink
about
Change preposition
apply
show examples
the purpose of
science
.
People
 may have to pay attention to
condition
Add an article
the condition
show examples
 of
eco system
Correct your spelling
ecosystem
show examples
 first.
To sum up
,
although
 there is a drawback when
people
 aim to improve
people
’s
lives
 using
science
, I think realising
Correct article usage
a
show examples
better
life style
Correct your spelling
lifestyle
show examples
 for us is the most important thing of
science
 development.
Submitted by rintaro1746 on

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task achievement
While the essay provides relevant examples, some points need further development to clearly convey the argument. Try to expand on how scientific advancements solve social issues comprehensively.
coherence cohesion
The logical structure is somewhat clear, but there are abrupt transitions between ideas. Enhance the flow by using linking words and phrases to ensure smooth transitions between paragraphs.
task achievement
Some phrases and sentences need revision for clarity and accuracy. For example, 'People can communicate with friends and families who live in far away from them using electronic devices such as smartphone and PC' could be rephrased for clarity.
task achievement
The essay addresses the task by discussing both benefits and drawbacks of science aimed at improving people's lives.
task achievement
It includes relevant examples such as affordable food production and online shopping for the elderly and disabled, which illustrate the points effectively.
coherence cohesion
There are clear sections for the introduction, body, and conclusion, helping to structure the response logically.

Include an introduction and conclusion

A conclusion is essential for IELTS writing task 2. It is more important than most people realise. You will be penalised for missing a conclusion in your IELTS essay.

The easiest paragraph to write in an essay is the conclusion paragraph. This is because the paragraph mostly contains information that has already been presented in the essay – it is just the repetition of some information written in the introduction paragraph and supporting paragraphs.

The conclusion paragraph only has 3 sentences:

  • Summary
  • Restatement of thesis
  • Prediction or recommendation

Example:

To summarize, a robotic teacher does not have the necessary disciple to properly give instructions to students and actually works to retard the ability of a student to comprehend new lessons. Therefore, it is clear that the idea of running a classroom completely by a machine cannot be supported. After thorough analysis on this subject, it is predicted that the adverse effects of the debate over technology-driven teaching will always be greater than the positive effects, and because of this, classroom teachers will never be substituted for technology.

Start your conclusion with a linking phrase. Here are some examples:

  • In conclusion
  • To conclude
  • To summarize
  • Finally
  • In a nutshell
  • In general

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Topic Vocabulary:
  • crucial role
  • technological advancements
  • medical discoveries
  • life-changing inventions
  • innovations
  • solutions to human problems
  • enhancing quality of life
  • improvement of healthcare
  • transportation
  • communication
  • agriculture
  • energy sectors
  • eradication of diseases
  • prolongation of life expectancy
  • global challenges
  • climate change
  • overpopulation
  • food security
  • developed world
  • underprivileged communities
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