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Band 6.5

Some people feel that responsibility for providing education should borne only by the government and private education should be banned. What are the main advantages of banning private education? Are there any circumstances where private education should be allowed? What is you opinion on the matter?

#people #responsibility #education #government #circumstances #matter
Nowadays, many
people
 argue that the government should be the only supplier of
education
 without the intervention of private
education
. Despite that they believe that private
education
 is responsible for decreasing the educational level in public
schools
, sometimes private
schools
 are important when the family care about religion as public
schools
 do not provide it. In my opinion, private
schools
 should not be banned as sometimes they may provide additional facilities that the parent want for their
kids
. On the one hand, many proponents believe if we did not have public
schools
, the educational level in
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
governmental
Replace the word
government
show examples
schools
 would be higher. They emphasize that teachers in public
schools
 do not work hard, as their salaries are much less than those who work in private
schools
.
In addition
, private
schools
 are taking huge tuition fees showing the
people
 that they are better, but at the same time, they nearly provide the same level of
education
than
Correct word choice
as
show examples
 is in the government
schools
.
For example
, many
families
 are paying more than 5,000 a year for private
schools
, and yet their children are not showing differences in knowledge from children who have studied in public ones.
On the other hand
, when it comes to some
families
' preferences like religion or additional language subjects, private school may be a privilege. As the governmental
schools
 follow the same systems and do not provide these subjects, in
this
 case, private
schools
 would be more suitable for some
families
 who want their children to study these subjects.
For instance
, parents who want their
kids
 to be good
in
Change preposition
at
show examples
 French may register their
kids
 in
schools
 that focus on teaching French.
Furthermore
, some
families
 want their
kids
 to be surrounded by
people
 who have the same culture, as it will be easier for them to make friends. In conclusion,
while
 some
people
 think that private
schools
 lead to some problems in the educational system in governmental
schools
, I believe that in some circumstances private
schools
 are important to provide the needs of all the community.
Submitted by okalqusay on

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coherence cohesion
To further improve your essay, strengthen the connection between your ideas and the examples provided. This will enhance your argument and make it more convincing.
coherence cohesion
Work on ensuring all paragraphs logically follow one another. For instance, the second body paragraph could benefit from a clearer transitional sentence from the previous point.
task achievement
Clarify your stance a bit more when giving your opinion. Ensure that it's evident throughout the essay, not just in the conclusion.
task achievement
You've clearly addressed both parts of the question, discussing the advantages of banning private education as well as circumstances where private education might be necessary.
coherence cohesion
Your introduction and conclusion are effectively framed, giving your essay a clear starting and ending point.
task achievement
The use of examples such as tuition fees and the need for additional language subjects was relevant and helped clarify your points.

Include an introduction and conclusion

A conclusion is essential for IELTS writing task 2. It is more important than most people realise. You will be penalised for missing a conclusion in your IELTS essay.

The easiest paragraph to write in an essay is the conclusion paragraph. This is because the paragraph mostly contains information that has already been presented in the essay – it is just the repetition of some information written in the introduction paragraph and supporting paragraphs.

The conclusion paragraph only has 3 sentences:

  • Summary
  • Restatement of thesis
  • Prediction or recommendation

Example:

To summarize, a robotic teacher does not have the necessary disciple to properly give instructions to students and actually works to retard the ability of a student to comprehend new lessons. Therefore, it is clear that the idea of running a classroom completely by a machine cannot be supported. After thorough analysis on this subject, it is predicted that the adverse effects of the debate over technology-driven teaching will always be greater than the positive effects, and because of this, classroom teachers will never be substituted for technology.

Start your conclusion with a linking phrase. Here are some examples:

  • In conclusion
  • To conclude
  • To summarize
  • Finally
  • In a nutshell
  • In general

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