IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 5

Some people think that the main goal of schools should be making children into responsible citizens and good workers, rather than benefitting them as individuals. To what extent do you agree or disagree?

#people #schools #children #citizens #workers #individuals
✨ Do you want to improve your IELTS writing?
These days, there has been a debate about whether
schools
 should focus
to produce
Change preposition
on producing
show examples
 productive employees and
inividuals
Correct your spelling
individuals
 or positively influencing
students
. Many people claim that
education
Correct article usage
the education
show examples
 sector must
intend
Verb problem
encourage
show examples
students
 to teach academic subjects to prepare for the future.
However
, I strongly disagree that the
schools
 have to benefit the
students
 for
following
Change the article
the following
show examples
 occupation.
Firstly
, high and middle
schools
 provide opportunities to learn about friendship.
For example
, these give the environment for learners to
adopt
Correct your spelling
adapt
show examples
into
Change preposition
to
show examples
 the social circle
such
 as various societies and clubs. By being a member of
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
society,
it
Correct pronoun usage
one
show examples
 would acquire the knowledge of people's
emotion
Fix the agreement mistake
emotions
show examples
, leading to
adopt
Wrong verb form
adopting
show examples
 any upcoming obstacles in the relationship.
Therefore
, the
schools
 are
Correct article usage
the middleman
show examples
middleman
Fix the agreement mistake
middlemen
show examples
to bring
Change preposition
in bringing
show examples
students
 to the next stage of learning themselves.
Secondly
, the
students
 should develop skills that suit
on
Change preposition
apply
show examples
them, causing significant improvement
on
Change preposition
in
show examples
 specific tasks.
For instance
,
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
AI can easily replace ordinary jobs
such
 as serving food and calculating numbers
recently
Rephrase
apply
show examples
.
The learners
Correct article usage
Learners
show examples
 who know
the
Change the word
their
show examples
strength
Fix the agreement mistake
strengths
show examples
of
Change preposition
apply
show examples
themselves
Correct pronoun usage
apply
show examples
can produce inspiring ideas
while
 others generate identical ideas from the same textbook.
Hence
, the
schools
 should target each
individuals
Change to a singular noun
individual
show examples
 differently to reveal their talent.
In contrast
, the
students
 have
higher
Correct article usage
a higher
show examples
 chance to enter the company if the
schools
 provide education related to future jobs.
Although
,
Remove the comma
apply
show examples
 they gain jobs from
this
 method, they may not be able to sustain
in
Change preposition
for
show examples
 a long period of time
due to
 dramatic technological development. In conclusion,
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
schools
 are crucial workplaces for the
students
 to
devleop
Correct your spelling
develop
 their personal aims rather than ensuring
the
Change the word
their
show examples
 position of employment. Even though they become strong candidates for
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
society, there will be an insignificant change as a person.
Submitted by az7082687 on

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Writing9 with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

task achievement
Your essay addresses the prompt well and presents a clear standpoint. However, it could benefit from developing more comprehensive ideas and providing more specific examples to strengthen your argument.
coherence cohesion
You should work on improving the logical flow between your ideas. Some sentences and ideas could be more effectively connected to enhance coherence and make your argument more persuasive.
coherence cohesion
Your essay has a well-defined introduction and conclusion.
task achievement
You present a clear opinion and support it with relevant points.

Support ideas with relevant, specific examples

Examples make your writing easier to understand by illustrating points more effectively.

Examples, if used properly, not only help you get higher marks for ‘Task Response’ but also for ‘Coherence’.

When giving examples it is best to put them after your main idea or topic sentence. They can be used in the middle of supporting sentences or they can be used to start a new sentence. There is no rule for where exactly to give examples in essays, logically they would come after your main idea/topic sentence or just after a supporting sentence.

Linking words for giving examples:

  • for example
  • for instance
  • to illustrate this
  • to give a clear example
  • such as
  • namely
  • to illustrate
  • take, for example

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »— a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

What to do next:
Look at other essays: