Some people think that the main goal of schools should be making children into responsible citizens and good workers, rather than benefitting them as individuals. To what extent do you agree or disagree?
These days, there has been a debate about whether
schools
should focus to produce
productive employees and Change preposition
on producing
inividuals
or positively influencing Correct your spelling
individuals
students
. Many people claim that education
sector must Correct article usage
the education
intend
Verb problem
encourage
students
to teach academic subjects to prepare for the future. However
, I strongly disagree that the schools
have to benefit the students
for following
occupation.
Change the article
the following
Firstly
, high and middle schools
provide opportunities to learn about friendship. For example
, these give the environment for learners to adopt
Correct your spelling
adapt
into
the social circle Change preposition
to
such
as various societies and clubs. By being a member of the
society, Correct article usage
apply
it
would acquire the knowledge of people's Correct pronoun usage
one
emotion
, leading to Fix the agreement mistake
emotions
adopt
any upcoming obstacles in the relationship. Wrong verb form
adopting
Therefore
, the schools
are Correct article usage
the middleman
middleman
Fix the agreement mistake
middlemen
to bring
Change preposition
in bringing
students
to the next stage of learning themselves.
Secondly
, the students
should develop skills that suit on
them, causing significant improvement Change preposition
apply
on
specific tasks. Change preposition
in
For instance
, the
AI can easily replace ordinary jobs Correct article usage
apply
such
as serving food and calculating numbers recently
. Rephrase
apply
The learners
who know Correct article usage
Learners
the
Change the word
their
strength
Fix the agreement mistake
strengths
of
Change preposition
apply
themselves
can produce inspiring ideas Correct pronoun usage
apply
while
others generate identical ideas from the same textbook. Hence
, the schools
should target each individuals
differently to reveal their talent.
Change to a singular noun
individual
In contrast
, the students
have higher
chance to enter the company if the Correct article usage
a higher
schools
provide education related to future jobs. Although
,
they gain jobs from Remove the comma
apply
this
method, they may not be able to sustain in
a long period of time Change preposition
for
due to
dramatic technological development.
In conclusion, the
Correct article usage
apply
schools
are crucial workplaces for the students
to devleop
their personal aims rather than ensuring Correct your spelling
develop
the
position of employment. Even though they become strong candidates for Change the word
their
the
society, there will be an insignificant change as a person.Correct article usage
apply
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task achievement
Your essay addresses the prompt well and presents a clear standpoint. However, it could benefit from developing more comprehensive ideas and providing more specific examples to strengthen your argument.
coherence cohesion
You should work on improving the logical flow between your ideas. Some sentences and ideas could be more effectively connected to enhance coherence and make your argument more persuasive.
coherence cohesion
Your essay has a well-defined introduction and conclusion.
task achievement
You present a clear opinion and support it with relevant points.
Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Examples make your writing easier to understand by illustrating points more effectively.
Examples, if used properly, not only help you get higher marks for ‘Task Response’ but also for ‘Coherence’.
When giving examples it is best to put them after your main idea or topic sentence. They can be used in the middle of supporting sentences or they can be used to start a new sentence. There is no rule for where exactly to give examples in essays, logically they would come after your main idea/topic sentence or just after a supporting sentence.
Linking words for giving examples:
- for example
- for instance
- to illustrate this
- to give a clear example
- such as
- namely
- to illustrate
- take, for example
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